Thursday in October

Sitting here, happy that another fall heat wave is finally on it’s way out. Terry has left to teach his adults’ karate class and I’m waiting to watch the vice president debate. I missed the McCain/Obama debate due to having friends over. I meant to tape it or should I say “DVR it” but forgot.

Did some babysitting with the beloved twins this week. Always good medicine. Been having sleep problems. Nothing extreme but I seem to have rearranged my sleep cycle. I want to stay up late and then I have trouble getting up at a normal time. So I’m gradually altering this schedule and so far, so good.
Even went to art class this week. I forget how much fun it is and how much I enjoy it, not to mention, how much I can improve with help from my teacher. Even watching other students paint kind of encourages me to do my best. I know I’m “good.” Or “good enough” but I want to be better than good enough. That’s always the tough part. Pushing yourself to a higher level when it’s soooo comfortable to stay “good enough.” Besides friends and family, painting is my life purpose now and I totally know how lucky I am to be able to do so.

I’ve been at Open Diary for a long time. I did leave for a year, only to return a couple months ago. Sometimes I wonder why some of my favs no longer have me as a fav. I can understand that after a long absence you might take them off your fav list but if you leave them notes and they still don’t return, I immediately think (as I did when younger) what did I do to upset them? That was always my default setting. Most probably because my mother was very very difficult to please and therefore it was always the other person who didn’t do right, mainly me. And even though that default setting still pops up first, now I’m able to question that thought and realize that I may have said something that upset someone. It’s happened in the past and probably will happen again. Once a long time ago, a diarist really attacked me viciously to say the least. That felt awful. But that was before I learned that some people cling to adversity; that staying a victim is what they intend to do. Hard to wrap my head around that one.

What I do know is that I never say something to someone meaning to hurt/upset/anger them. I truly have no desire to hurt anyone. I know what it feels like to be hurt and do not wish that on anyone. But it’s entirely possible that what I say may be taken as something hurtful, especially in something like notes.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m no longer a fav, then I’m ok with that. I’ve never been Miss Popularity nor do I want to be. Anyway, this place is for me to record what I’m doing and feeling at this time. Like entertainers, I think we get a little addicted here to others’ opinion of us and feel like the more notes you get, the better. But I think what’s more important and should be important to me, and only me, is knowing that there are people who I admire/like and am interested in them. I’m glad that they’re interested in me also but to always remember it’s not a popularity contest. I’m just not competitive enough to enjoy contests and I hope I no longer need them to prove to myself who or what I am.

I have looked at new diaries for interesting people but I’m going to postpone it until this election is over. There are so many other ideals that can I share with others but politics carries too much emotional stuff that I’m not willing to indulge in here. Actually, not in real life either. I know I have friends on opposite sides of me but I don’t care. We have lots of other things in common so keeping politics as a taboo subject is fine with me.
(I love old music standards and lately have a burgeoning appreciation of Frank Sinatra, of whom I used to think was overrated and I love hearing words no longer used, hence the use of “taboo” here.)