16/06/2020

So I’m in a up and down mood. I went to see an old friend of mine yesterday who lives about an hour away from me by train. It was nice but I found myself getting quite tired by the end of the day. She’s someone who I used to be very close to and have an extremely complicated history with personally. I was very close to her back in sixth form around the time when I started self harming and unfortunately she’s always in my mind connected with that because I was so close to her. I went through a phase where I’d look back and wonder whether I was in love with her back then- she was my best friend who then kinda drifted away as we met new people, but I was a massive emotional prop for her. I remember always feeling like the one in the background with her- she was the pretty one and I was the other one. I still wonder about my feelings for her- I don’t think I was in love with her, really- I just loved her so very much and when she started to move away from me it hurt. Then I started hating her- by the time I left for uni I really really hated her and basically escaped to uni because I needed to get away, seriously needed to get distance. It was through all this that I started self harming, and at that time I was bulimic and smoking a lot of weed. My mental state wasn’t great back then and I wish I could look back with more positivity.

Then later, after I went into hospital and had my first “break-down,” I drifted from her and eventually came to not like her too much because I found her abrasive and hard to talk to. It’s only really been since last year, and last years “break down,” that I’ve tried to start not seeing her in such a negative way. She’s not a bad person she’s just a very loud character, she can be quite abrasive, I’m not the only person whose said that, and she’s quite negative in the way she interacts. It’s difficult though. When I saw her yesterday I kinda thought that seeing her brings out the sides of me that I’m not proud of, or don’t particualarly like. For example when we’re talking, we talk over each other constantly. This is something I do and I really hate it about myself, I don’t mean to be rude and I know it makes me come across as really arrogant. It’s often just I’m so into the conversation I don’t think to halt and wait for the convo to proceed naturally. I’ve noticed recently the amount of nervous energy which I often seem to give off. I’ve kinda noticed it with Vienna, and I watched something the other day which said something about, one character not feeling safe in the other persons presense, in the sense that they gave off quite manic energy. This is something I worry about myself- I often feel as though I don’t give off the kind of energy, or vibe that I’d like. I keep checking myself recently when my thoughts start spiralling, that I’ll lash out at someone in an offensive way, but really the issue is all mine. At the moment I’m working on a healthy diet, and trying to lose some weight and I think that’s quite a major reason for it. I feel overweight and it makes me feel really low- because I beat myself up and have a go at myself in ways which are much more viscious than they should be. This sensation of being ugle is really strong, and coupled with the other major sensation I have lately, which is over being a failure, when they come together they can really knock me and then the symptoms can come on again. I’m working on all of it though- I know I need to work on these feelings because they’re not true, and they’re only working to make me feel worse than I want to or need to.

I was feeling quite crabby last night and ended up having some wine. But a massive positive was that I managed to only drink half the bottle, and actually really enjoyed it which was something. I was telling my friend who I saw yesterday that this is another thing which gets to me because I always end up drinking the whole bottle and then feeling terrible the next day. I don’t need to drink the whole bottle, and moreover I noticed last night that when I drink the whole thing I don’t drink it mindfully- it’s just drink, drink, drink, until I’m drunk and that’s it. I dont really even enjoy it when I drink like that. So last night was good from that sense because whilst alcohol isn’t neccesarily the best  way to relax it’s a way, and i did feel last night that I was able to mellow out a little and went to bed feeling slightly looser.

So today I’m mulling over these things, and looking to try and practise mindfullness, in the sense of being more aware of my my mind and body are and what worries are affecting them.

Laters 🙂