Why?

I’m so tired of waking up with all my bad decisions on my mind. Years pass and feelings remain the same. The old me. The me who wasn’t me. Are my reasonings excuses? Was I a bad child? Was my childhood the reason I am who I am? Thoughts race by but I can’t seem to control where they go. I have so much hate in me, within myself, towards the people who I’ve cared so deeply for in the past. Why am I always the problem? But am I? Why can’t I figure out what the truth is? Everyday goes by and I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders about the old person I was. Knowing I’m getting judged from the outside about the old me. Sometimes I feel like mentally I can have some sort of trauma another part of me thinks it’s just in my head. I just don’t know. I’m so sad, all the time. I’m very blessed, so blessed. I should be happy and grateful, I have a good decent life. But why do other people not see the good me why do I feel like I’m living in my old skin when I know I’m not. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. But there’s still the outer layer of me that can’t get over my past. Why’d I do this why’d I do that? Why do people treat me like shit. People I care for people who should care about me. Everything in this vent is why? Do I need help? Do I need to get over it or are my reasonings valid?