Motivation and Lack of Emotion

It’s weird. I have felt so blah lately. Not depressed just sort of a general apathy that has settled over my everyday like a swaddling blanket. I can’t even work up the energy to get a good depression going. I am writing this from the deepest pits of……… apathy? I used to be really depressed when I was a teen. I used to write these long tragic goth poems. Now I barely write anything. Who wants to read long poems about the depths of my blankness? I certainly don’t want to write them. I need to force myself to do something. I can feel myself beginning to mold. I have gone back to smoking again too sort of. Not bad yet just 1-3 a day but I feel it coming on.

I feel like a helpless bystander, watching my life pass by. It races onward like a train and I can see the car on the tracks but I am unable to get the drivers attention, and the car has stalled. I think I’m being strangled by the everyday necessities. Like work mostly. The fact that my life follows a strict structured pattern. Bleah. I need to do something…anything. Only all that requires motivation. Something I have always had a short supply of. I wish I could bring myself to care more about the fact that I don’t care.