I didn’t know about online journaling until yesterday.

I knew that people kept blogs, but they’ve always seemed so curated to me. Social media makes me sick. Then I found OpenDiary. Everything I read was so much more…intimate. I found a woman’s journal that brought me to tears; it deserves to be published. I related to her so deeply, something I haven’t been able to say about the internet for a long time. It made me remember old dreams…writing in coffee shops, poems, smoke, living in the city. Things that sound so typical when I say them but which, in my childhood heart, really meant something. For a long time now I’ve been run by my fears (fears I can’t even place). They make me feel guilty for chasing dreams. If this is a part of growing up, then so be it–but I’m graduating university next year, and I can’t let it follow me into the rest of my life. If not now, when?

So, I’m going to start journaling here. It’s a small thing and already it feels selfish, when there is so much wrong in the world. But I know that the alternative for me would be numbing my senses until nothing mattered, or living a life that wasn’t mine. Maybe it’s selfish, but I want a life that’s mine. Consciously mine. I want to do good things from a place of truth. And I can’t do that unless I know who i am. Explore it for whatever it’s worth.

I’m thinking of a song by Mogwai. Take Me Somewhere Nice. It’s such a sad song in many ways but it’s also so beautiful. It feels like coming home right now. Listening to it as I type. So, not sure how this will go, or if I’ll keep writing here. My friend C makes me want to. She is still trying to be something beautiful despite her fear. I hope she knows I love her.