whirlwind

Disclaimer: I’ve never done this before. And if anyone reads this, I apologize in advance for the sporadic, here-and-there things I’m going to say. It probably won’t make any sense to you, but that’s OK. These are just a bunch of thoughts and words that I NEED to get out SOMEHOW.

Today is the first time almost half a year that I’ve open up this laptop. I’ve been using my desktop mostly. I was considering trading my 2015 MacBook pro for something a little newer, so I finally plugged this baby into the charger and opened it up with the intention of erasing everything. I caught myself glancing over in the direction of the ‘Messages’ button, knowing old memories and heartache waited behind the click of a button.

I clicked on the button. Scrolled down to his name. Up they came.

“So you’re asleep. I was with some of my oldest of friends sharing memories. Maybe a little later than I should have. I had a tonnn of great conversations tonight. You asked me earlier if I missed you. Ya ok so I do. I miss our face to face conversations. In the most innocent of ways. I miss saying funny stuff and someone else is laughing, but maybe sometimes I want it to be you laughing. I don’t know if that’s weird (no doubt that’s weird- I can just imagine your face now), and ya so I’m drunk lol. I just don’t feel like it’s bad saying you wanna make someone laugh. Anyway I’m leaving this because it’s gonna make you smile (maybe?). And you probably are (hopefully). And that’s all it’s meant to be.  And then I’m gonna delete this and not remember it… so… maybe you smiled and maybe you didn’t. But I want you to know that… your thought of. And, that’s what we all want right? Ok. Poof (ya so it’s just poof for me but whatevs)”

Oh, I smiled alright. But I also found my smile disappearing towards the end of the message. Then the burst of thoughts came in… with me, in the end, yelling out “FUCK”

I am so very, very VERY frustrated at the fact that I will never (or not for a very long time at least) tell him what I so wish to tell him….

So here is what I am going to do….

Lu, I am sorry. Not sure if that’s even worth anything to you at this point, but I need you to know that I am sorry. I replay our last conversation over and over again in my head and I desperately wish I could have taken a second to take a step back and processed the intense emotions, feelings, words that were being projected. I screwed that one up. I reacted too quickly. I miss you, so much. I’m sorry.