About that…

Last night did not go well. I blame my mood, but I also feel terrible that I let my emotions get the best of me. Let me explain something first.

The guy that I mentioned previously…I have known him for about 9 years now. We met on World of Warcraft. We would play and talk every so often but not much. He lives in Canada and I..well..don’t. Therein lies issue number one. For the past year though, we have started talking every day little by little and last fall we finally were able to start playing games together again. Now it’s at the point that we talk every day and except for lately, we would play games together every day as well. He has been busier with work so less computer time recently. Anyways…issue number two is he is somewhat freshly divorced so he is healing from that. It became final in like October or something like that. My feelings for him have gradually become more but I am fairly certain he has no idea. I don’t feel like I can tell him because I know he is still healing from the divorce and the distance thing probably is a hindrance for him as well. And I don’t really know how he feels about me. I know he cares, he has said as much.

So that’s the basic back story. Well last night I got overly upset about something. I did a few things I knew I shouldn’t have. 1) I got upset that he didn’t ask if I wanted to do anything. Even when I told him I had wanted to hang out but I guess I was going to bed instead, he had just said it was fine and for me to go relax and get some rest. 2) I saw that he was in a group with some people, one of them being a girl from his other mythic guild on WoW. Of course I got jealous…insanely jealous. but I couldn’t explain that to him. I hate that I was jealous. I tried my best to keep it under wraps but I lashed out anyways.

I am grateful that he is such a good guy. He may not know how I feel (or maybe he suspects, I really dont know), but well…ok the conversation went as follows ( S being me and K being him)

S: Yeah. Ok well have a good night and all that
K: Rest well you got this
S: Perhaps we’ll actually get to hang out this weekend
K: yea depends on work
S: Yeah. okay.
S: I was going to ask if you wanted to do anything tonight but i guess i’m just going to go to bed
K: Did a few keys that I was actually around
K: Relax its all good
S: I wanted to hang out. But yeah.
K: Sorry I am chillin in discord you’re always welcome to just join
K: My raider io didnt jump either
S: yeah i saw
K: Broke 1800
S: Nice. You guys found a new healer *thumbs up*
K: uhh no I just ran with some from the mythic guild and dont say that as you were work
S: Yeah
K: So no replacing…
S: Sorry. Guess I’m just jealous. Don’t mind me. 

(After this he went to bed so he didnt read my message or respond until this morning)

K: of what you didn’t come online nor did you say you wanted to. You know very well i run whenever i can when you feel like it so how is that fair.
S: You are 100% correct. I wasn’t being very logical last night. I apologize
K: You make it sound like i avoid or ditch you…i know you struggle but last i checked i do not such thing. If I do well its unintentional but i get moody as well and don’t talk to anyone
S: No, you don’t do those things and I know if you did it was never intentional because i know you get that way too and don’t talk. I wasn’t in a good place last night and my emotions got out of hand and im sorry you took the brunt of it. Thats never what i want to happen
K: Hmm i get you get moody but why think like that…hmm how to punish you
S: Hey I cant always control my thoughts. I try but still, I am a female. Its easy to forget, I know. And whaaa…punish?
K: idk lol being mean smh XD
S: well i mean i deserve something , you didn’t deserve me being upset like that. But I am sorry.
K: Its fine haha i wouldn’t have anything just being a jerk
S: uh huh so really the punishment is you being a jerk 😛
K: i was a jerk Whaaa
S: lol Not supposed to be a jerk to me though unless I deserve it
K: hahahaha

So that’s that. He is too nice…I try so hard to control my passive aggressive side. I have a difficult time actually saying what I feel or what I am thinking. I’m the type of person that has very few friends, which is completely fine, but I am constantly afraid of pushing them away. Especially him. I don’t want to lose his friendship which is another reason I can’t bring myself to tell him I feel more for him. He has commented about coming to visit me, and I really hope he does at some point. I have no reason to get jealous just because of another female on the game…but I can’t really control that. I try to remind myself that he always makes time for me, I’m his go to healer on the game, and I can’t expect him to not do anything while I’m working. haha Logically I know all of this. My brain knows what I’m feeling isn’t always logical but the feelings are still there. The last thing I want is for him to have my mood taken out on him of all people. 

I’m doing better today…I’m glad that he and I worked things out. I felt bad that I acted how I did. I know it’s probably going to come to the point that I will need to tell him how I feel but I don’t feel like right now is the time. I guess that’s all I can really say for now…back to my meeting for work. XD