23/05/2020

I’m not sure whether or not my enjoyment of writing on here is one of the reasons I’m writing on WordPress less. I think that before I started this diary I would have likely simply gone to wordpress with some aspect of something I wanted to write about and somehow turn it into a post with some kind of point. Often my wordpress articles are quite journal like and I was trying to stop doing that so much, so it’s likely quite lucky that I got into opendiary again, as it’s another outlet, another way for me to blow off steam. I was just thinking about the idea of thinking sensibly and this made me defiant though I wasn’t entirely sure why. I think now, looking back it’s because of seeing my doctor yesterday and the way he always pushes me to live my life in a more cautionary vein- follow the cautious pathway, and this always makes me back get up and I want to throw things at him. It’s frustrating living like this, knowing that if you could come off your meds you’d be brighter in the morning, likely have more energy generally and not be putting this fricking chemical into my body every day. Aarugh just thinking about it is vexing. I did about 48 hours without it a month or so ago, simply because I was up late anyway and then noticed how much better I was feeling because I hadn’t taken my meds. The way I described it to my doctor is that not taking them makes me – actually I’m not going to write about this, not now. It’s too close and is about issues which are too close and tricksy.

I spoke to my sister this morning and whilst it was lovely chatting to her unfortunately sometimes afterwards I have to deal with the gremlins a little bit. I feel weird today, I want to write and get back into the novel but for some reason I keep going back to the laptop, netflix ultimately. I know that at some point I’m going to have to bite the bullet and just start writing.

Paah, I can sense it’s going to be one of those days.