Dissociating…In therapy.

I saw my therapist today and let me tell you, it was the strangest session ever. About half way through it I started to feel weird like not all there. I felt like I was watching it all happen around me like a movie. I didn’t feel like I was connected to myself. It was so weird and confusing and I had trouble remembering things that we had just talked about. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this???????????????? I don’t know what really happened. I just know that I felt not normal and not me. It was so strange and I felt stupid to be like that with my therapist there. I felt dumb.

Anyways, I am still taking cipralex and my mood seems to be stabalized however, my obsessions are still there. In fact, now that my mood is not up and down like crazy my obsessions about perfecting all these other areas of my life have gone overboard. My one scary obsession is religion. I am Christian but married to a Muslim so I think that I try to block all that reality out with my ED and when my ED is not as intense my obsessions get worse. Seems like I lose either way. Either have my ED full blown or my OCD. Which is worse? I think I prefer the ED.

Speaking of my ED I am getting a little worried that even though I am eating more than I used to that I am not eating the right stuff. I don’t eat meat often at all and not much other protein. I hardly have diary products. Sometimes skim milk with cereal and the skim in my coffee. I eat stuff like fruit/veggies, and rice cakes, plain cream of wheat, bran flakes, puffed wheat, sometimes animal crackers, brown rice and whole wheat pasta when we have dinner with maybe a bit of chicken, spitz at night to keep from binging and that’s pretty much my diet. I don’t think it’s balanced but not sure how to eat balanced anymore. I find it hard to make myself eat something like say a tuna sandwich for lunch when if I am going to eat lunch than I may as well eat just a 100 cal bowl of cream of wheat instead and save myself those extra calories. In doing this, I never get to eat a balanced meal. But I find it hard to not do this. Anyone else have this problem???????????

Anyways, the other day I was looking at my picture CD’s (we burn all our pics on CDs and haven’t actually printed any out yet). A couple of the CD’s were scratched and wouldn’t open all the  files and I was freaking out because the one CD was of the birth of my son which had all his birth pics the only ones we have. I stayed up until 2am that night trying to get them to open and they didnt. Then first thing the next day I was on again and spent all day making copies of every pic CD we had. I used toothpaste on my son’s birth CD and eventually most of the files opened on our laptop. I only lost about 10 pictures but none of them were of the birth, just pics before he was born so that was good. But I did get carried away with it as I tend to do with things. I wanted to get it all done right now (that wonderful all or nothing thinking). I felt extremely anxious all day and it took me part of the next day to calm down from that. I really hate when I get like that. BUt thank God the pictures were saved. I know have them on backup CD and also on one of those data travellers. SO I am good to go.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. We have playgroup in the morning then home and Tahir’s nap, then Amira’s gymnastics and then my hubby and I have to go to this Beattie School of Arts for a meeting about Kindergarten for our daughter and seeing if that school is a right fit for her. I am excited about the meeting as we will get to meet the kindergarten teacher and learn about what last years class did and ask any questions we might have. I can’t wait to go school shopping with my daughter. That used to be my favorite part of school. I loved all the new supplies, my new backpack, my new outfit and shoes and getting it all ready. LOVED IT> I get excited just thinking about it. Am I weird? I love school, miss it. Anyways I am gonna go now as my hand is killing me.

Hope you all are well.