This isn’t fair…WHY ME>>>GOD WHY ME

AAAHHH>..waht the hell is wrong with me. What did I do to deserve to suffer from this FUC^*ing disease. I hate it but it has me trapped. It has me in a death grip and it won’t let go of me. It terrifies me beyond belief but at the same time being this weight causes such unimaginable pain as well. I just don’t see happiness in the equation either way. How the hell am I supposed to get better. I feel like a fat fukcing worthless pig. I hate my body, my presence. I really wish I were never born….I mean I do love my kids and all and they are the world to me. But the pain and suffering, this feeling of worthlessness, loneliness, sadness is just too much for me. It’s consuming me. I don’t know how to deal with all these feelings. It’s too intense. I don’t even want to see my therapist right now because I am too fat to see him. To ugly and repulsive. I won’t to throw up when I look in the mirror. I am so so so so so so so os ugly. I look like a monster.

I want to get better. I desperately want to be free. But every day my thoughts are consumed by my ED. it’s the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing when I go to bed. All day it’s about weight, food, exercise, calories. If I take my kids for a walk it’s good cuz I can burn calories. If my husband is lazy and doesn’t want to go throw the garbage out, it’s good cuz then I can burn some extra calories by doing it myself. If my daughter won’t pick up her toys, it’s good cuz I can do it for her and burn some calories. I just am so tired of thinking these thoughts. I want to let go and I CANT. I am scared. I am tired of fighting this shit. It’s been almost 10 years now with this ED. I don’t even know what normal is anymore when it comes to food eating, feeling hunger and fullness. For me, those things don’t exist. I don’t know what hunger is or feels like. I never feel full or satisfied when I eat. It seems like a life of deprivation either way i go. If I let myself eat, it doesn’t help cuz I still feel hungry. If I don’t eat, I am obsessed with food. God …..

All I ever see or hear about is weight, deits, fat people. Seems the whole world is obsessed with weight. I can’t escape it even if I want to. I try to recover and eat normal but then I watch some show and they start talking bout healthy eat, what’s good bad, etc. and I feel like I have already failed. I go from being a good anorexic to a bad eater. I am allowing myself bad food, doing it wrong. Being too lenient, putting my body at risk. I just don’t know how to balance it. It’s too damn hard. Too hard. WHY me GOD.