Sad, Crying…Emotions…Man

I hate when I get like this. It usually happens after I binge. I guess that’s when my mind is open to emotions as I am no longer obsessed with thoughts of food. I have been crying, watching anorexia videos on youtube and looking at pictures of people who have died from anorexia. I feel such deep sadness to see these faces of these beautiful women whose faces have been wiped from the earth by this deadly disease. I am lucky I am still here. But it tears up my heart to know that our lives are so hurting that we would choose starvation and death over life. That our inner emotions are too strong and scary to face and that our ED has taken over. That without it we feel like nobody, worthless, lost and out of control. That it gives us so much, peace, control, purpose and self-worth. That’s so sad. Why is it so hard to let go. Why is there so much hurt and pain and suffering. I just don’t have the answers. I wish life were simple, that there were answers to every question and solutions to every problem but that’s just not the way it is.

I see myself slipping back into my ED but every time I do I get REALLY scared. This overwhelming fear takes over me, maybe it’s God’s way of protecting me and keeping me alive, I don’t know. But when I start to get really restricting again I get really scared because all those feelings of isolation, loneliness and all that start coming back. I can feel myself retreating into my own world again and it really frightens me. I NEED To be there for my kids. And by there I mean not only physically there but mentally and emotionally. Maybe that’s what scares me the most is that deep inside (although I tell myself otherwise) I know that I can’t have my ED and a connection with my kids at the same time. It’s one or the other. And although this fat suit I am in right now brings me to rage, I know that I have to choose recovery before it is no longer an option. I am not a cat with 9 lives. I have one life to live.

I just feel an immensely deep sadness for my ED and it being gone. I miss my skinniness, my starving and all that. I miss what it gave me. I feel worthy, like I had an identity. Now I just feel like a fat nobody walking around aimlessly on the planet. I am taking up TOO much space. I gotta get this flab off my Fucking body…..It’s gross…AHHHH…I am losing my mind. HELP.