AAAHHHHH

OK I feel like I am once again losing it and fast. I am again feeling kinda weak, very irritable, easily angered and want to be alone. I know this should be telling me, my ED is again trying to take over but I always seem to rationalize it and tell myself that I can control my mood and be ok. That if I don’t feel starving why should I eat, if I have free time I should exercise even if it makes me angry to do it. I feel like I just want to relax and have peace but my mind is telling me I have to do this this and this before I can sit down.

I can tell from looking at myself that I am losing weight and it feels good but at the same time kinda scary cuz I know where it leads to. I lost 3lbs from yesterday, I know its a lot to do with water weight but makes me feel great nonetheless. I just dont feel myself though. I am slipping back, help me climb out before i fall too deep.

I called my therapist and left him a message to make an appointment. He is out until tomorrow. He is probably used to this pattern with me. I get a bit better, gain weight and then kinda drift away and stop seeing him as I think I am all good now and also don’t like being seen fatter, but I guess we never really end up resolving anything that way. I am checking out too early I guess. I just want to be FREE>..