Feeling sick right now…

First off, I just want to thank everyone who has left me notes so far on my entries. I know I was absent for awhile there and am just getting back on now. Thanks for reading my entries and taking the time to leave me a note. It means a lot to me. Anyways, tonight we went out to a Chinese buffet to eat dinner and I am now feeling pretty nauseous. I had 2 plates of food plus some dessert. I know I ate way too many calories but I saved up in the day for it. I had about 150 cals prior to going out to eat but definately wrecked my restricting at the buffet. I didn’t really care too much, but now I really do feel sick. I did do my Wii fit tonight and did extra. Maybe that didn’t help.

I think I am now becoming obsessed with exercising. It’s like any spare moment I have my mind is telling me I should be exercising. I never used to be like that. In fact I never actually exercised at all. I did go for walks and stuff but didn’t set aside time to exercise. Now, I can’t seem to let myself have time off from it. I used to read while my son napped and now I just go on the Wii and go for a run and do some other exercises, thinking now I don’t have to do it at night. But then night comes and I go on cuz I can’t resist burning off a few extra calories. It seems lazy to not go on. Like I have to do it. ARGH. Seems I go from one obsession to the next. I gotta tell ya though, my body is pretty firm at the moment and I do have a nice ass, lol. However, I still feel jealous everytime I go out and see someone who is stick thin. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t find them attractive at all. I think the women who have some meat and are in shape and toned look beautiful, but I still wish I were that thin person. The one with the huge gap between her legs, the bony arms, sunken cheeks, etc. I miss having all that. I really really do. I feel sad actually to not be that person anymore. But then I think back to what I was like when I had that and I wasn’t a very fun or happy person. So it seems that it wasn’t really great after all. I just gotta keep reminding myself that there will always be someone thinner out there. That’s life.

I am still working hard on controlling my night eating and am doing pretty good. Some nights I do have a little something to eat and a couple nights I have actually had a binge purge episode. It sucked. It’s like I eat, eat and eat and can’t stop until I feel physically sick and about to burst. Why is that. The urge to go for more food is so strong, like a magnet to metal. How do I get over that. Sometimes just by telling myself that I don’t need to eat, I had dinner so I am not actually physically hungry, it helps me not to eat cuz then I know i don’t need it. But then other times I am not so sure if I am hungry or not because I have restricted more, although I did eat.

The hard part is, I never ever feel full anymore and don’t know when I am hungry. It’s like after eating dinner with my family, I have this intense urge to binge and eat everything because I never feel full or satisfied after eating, even if I have eaten a normal amount. So now, after dinner I have to do the dishes right away so I don’t binge. It works. I just wish that I could feel full (not the bursting type of full which is currently the only type i feel right now), but a normal full. I also wish I knew when I was hungry, like when I really needed to eat. I never know if it’s just my mind or my body telling me to eat. Everything is so outta whack.

On the other hand, my daughters OCD thing I think is going to be ok. We saw the Child mental health again and she again mentioned the link between a Strep A infection in kids and then the onset of OCD. I had read up on that before so I knew what she was talking about but then I went home and read again and everything I read was exactly what I was experiencing with my daughter. Now her OCD symptoms are virtually gone (which is supposed to be the case with this link between Strep A and OCD). Anyways, she sees the pedeatrician very soon and will do a test for Strep A but not sure if it stays in ur system that long so we’ll see. But I am hopeful that that is what it is. Thank GOD….

Anyways, am going to go now. Hope you all are well…