Battling my mind…Give me some Peace…PLEASE

So, the constant battle in my mind goes on and on and on. I just want a break. I want to go a whole day or even a whole hour without thinking about food, whether to eat or not and how much and what and the consequences or benefits. Man, I would have to say I spend almost all of my day everyday with thoughts of food and weight and my body shape and size. It sucks. I wish I could break free from this obsession but it’s just not that easy.

Everytime I leave the house and go out I want to drape a big huge blanket over me to hide my ugliness. I feel jealous and envious and worthless and powerless and outta control everytime I see someone who is skinny. I think to myself, that used to be me. I could have still been like that had I not lost control and given in to my food cravings. It really makes me feel worthless and hate myself all the more. And the worst thing is is when you tell yourself, "OK, tomorrow I am going to change, not binge or eat at night, restrict a bit and get some of this fat off of me". And then tomorrow comes and you have those thoughts and that moment of weakness and you cave, give in to your cravings and go overboard. It’s like I can’t stop eating. I just go go go and it feels so good. It’s like I am on a war path and you better not cross my path while I am eating. I am like an animal, always on gaurd. I hate this. I hate my body shape. I know ppl have told me that I look great. I have a nice figure. My face looks better, it doesn’t look gray anymore. Those compliments just make me feel worse, just reinforce my weakness. It’s like shouting to me "Hey fattie I can see how weak you are becoming. It’s showing now all over your body and the world can see".

I want to start setting some goals for myself though, some small challenges. I need to take a little control again because I am way too far out of my comfort zone. I want to start this week by controlling my food intake a bit and only having healthy choices ( I usually do but I eat too much of it), so I must limit what I eat and no night eating. I want to stay active and then see the benefits of that in a week. I want to lose a bit of weight so I can feel ok about me again. So please can you all give me some words of encouragement, I NEED THEM> I will try to keep checking in here and writing so that I can be accountable for my progress.

Hope all is well with you all and thanks to all you who have left me comments. I love reading them and relating to you all….