Life is looking up

It’s truely amazing how a little food can brighten your outlook on life and make the days so much more bearable and joyful. I find myself waking up less grumpy now. Just knowing when I wake that I don’t have to endure a whole day of starving myself helps my mood. I have so much more to look forward to and so much more time to do it now that I am not obsessed as much with restricting. I have way more fun with my kids and it’s so easy now. Instead of playing and feeling like I am dying in the process I can laugh and play with my kids and still have energy left over. I am not saying that I like my body shape or size or that I feel comfortable in my own skin or anything like that. It’s just nice to feel alive. I am still working hard now on moderating my eating. It’s like I still am afraid of starving so everytime I eat something I feel like going overboard cuz I might never get to taste that food again. This mostly happens at night. I find during the day I can eat pretty good, no binging. Night time is another story. It’s like I am constantly feeling this emptiness and am always thinking food is the solution. So I am doing my best at finding other ways to deal with this feeling than food. I do eat a little at night and sometimes a lot but I am working on it. That’s progress for me. I know now that I don’t have to binge because I can eat tomorrow and the next day. It’s great.

I have also noticed once again that my daughter’s OCD is less severe today. I think it’s the mood of me and the house that makes the difference. Lately her new thing is asking for everything to be the same. Like if we are having lunch she will say, can we have the same thing tomorrow, same with clothes and activities we do during the day. She wants everyday to be the same.

The cutest and most eye opening thing she said to me today was "Mom can we have tomorrow like today?" When I asked her why and did she have fun today, she replied, "ya, today was fun because we didn’t fight". That made me realize how bad my mood swings really were. I think she has been living in fear of me and my ever changing moods and that drove her to her severe OCD. I feel really guilty and bad about that but also hopeful because I know I can change and I know it’s not too late to change. I am grateful that I realized before too long that I was a lot of the problem. At least I am not just reaching this conclusion when she is 6 or 7 or older. So I am now doing my best to keep my mood in check if for nothing else than my daughter’s sake. She needs me more than I need my anger. This thought keeps me in check. I need to be stable for her. It helps her and I want her to be a healthy, happy little girl who is full of life and joy. She will have plenty of time later in life for all the stress that life brings and I don’t need her to see that before her time.

On the other hand, this little kitten of ours is so annoying. It keeps trying to lick me and attack me, mostly at night when I am sitting trying to read. What joy. But I do adore it and my daughter spends lots of time with it.

Well it is really late, 1am and I should be thinking about sleep. So hope you are all well……