Life is getting better…For now.

This long weekend has been great. I have felt happy, fulfilled, complete, and like I am doing the right thing. My husband has been awesome. He has been spending less time on the computer and more time with the family. He has offered to go for walks together, which we did and just hung out with us. It felt great and the whole house was a whole lot happier and way less grumpy. It’s amazing what a small change can do to your happiness. I have been eating more and not feeling too guilty about it. Sometimes, my attitude is even like, who cares what I weigh or how I think I look. I have my kids, my hubby and my life.

I almost made it with quitting smoking today but then got scared. I made it until 4:30pm before I went out and bought a pack. I just kept thinking in my head that I like to smoke at night when I am alone. That way I don’t feel so lonely and afraid, of what I don’t know. I shouldn’t have bought the smokes however, because I have a cold and can’t even tell that I am smoking. My taste is completely gone. I am just now getting over being sick. I feel like a failure on that part. I should have just made it through the night then I would have been a whole day quit and it wasn’t even that hard. It was only when I let my mind think of all that smoking does for me that I felt sad not being able to smoke. Like I was missing a friend. It was a weird feeling. Felt like someone I loved had died. I guess that’s cuz smoking has become my friend. It has helped me with my ED as well. Helped me restrict and without it I feel lost as to what to do. Need to find something other than constant eating to do for my quitting. I will quit. I need to for my health and my family. I have to and I will.

Right now I feel so lost too. It’s such a weird feeling. Like I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t feel hungry but keep wondering if I should eat. But then I ate enough today to fulfill my caloric needs so it can’t be hunger. It’s also not craving nicotine cuz I have that. So what am I feeling? What is my body telling me? I don’t know. I hate this nothingness feeling that i get sometimes. It’s the worse. It makes me afraid of life, of the minutes in the day. Anyways, am going to try to read or watch tv and hopefully feel better soon…..Hope you all are doing good….