Uncomfortable Nothingness Feeling…

So I am feeling this really uncomfortable feeling of I don’t even know how to describe it. I don’t feel hungry but I sometimes think, maybe if I eat it will take the feeling away, but it doesn’t and I don’t eat. I usually will have a rice cake but the feeling is still there. It is driving me mad. It’s like I don’t feel like anything. I don’t feel excited to read and I love reading, I don’t feel like smoking or drinking my coffee which I love. I just don’t feel like anything at all. It sucks.

I should be happy. After all, I have lost weight. Isn’t that what I wanted? Shouldn’t that make me feel happy, proud, successful and everything? Well, I don’t really feel any different pride wise or any of those positive emtions. Yet, when I weigh more I feel miserable. I just don’t get it. How the hell am I ever going to change, to be different. I hate being like this. I don’t know what I need or want or even what to do with myself.

My moods are still in check, less severe than they were a week or so ago. I guess that’s one positive thing happening in my life. I see my therapist on Thursday and am going to once  again try quitting smoking tomorrow but am terrified that I might binge since I won’t be able to smoke and that my weight (all that I just lost) will just come right back. Then, instead of going to see my therapist weighing less, I will be the same. Why does that matter I don’t know? It seems counterproductive to my therapy but my warped mind works in mysterious ways.

It has been windy, raining and thundering on and off this evening and I love it. Love thunderstorms. Makes me feel cozy. Just wish I had a little fireplace to sit and read by. I also love fireplaces. They also make me feel cozy. Anyways, hope ur all doing well…..Will update again soon….Off to do goodness knows what with myself. FOCUS>…