Long Overdue Update.

I have decided to start writing in here again, despite whatever is going on in my life. I have been really struggling hard with my ED. I am trying to recover and get better but every time my weight gets too high for me I get scared and start restricting more to lose the weight that I have gained. Then my weight goes down and I eat a bit more and gain and then I get scared and restrict. I think you get the picture. Anyways, I am feeling mentally drained from this. I feel so totally hopeless about the possibility that I will ever overcome my ED, that I will ever not care how much I weigh. I can’t see that happening. To me, my ED gives me a purpose and an identity. It gives me a sense of control in my life and my mind. I feel so irritable, bitchy, anxious, uncomfortable and like I am ready to just scream and jump off a cliff when my weight is up. I can’t handle it. When I am restricting I seem to be more involved with my kids, and able to accomplish more because i am motivated to keep on going because it helps me to lose weight at the same time. I have trouble relaxing or doing anything when I let myself eat because I feel like I have blown it and just want to go to bed so I can end the day and start over fresh the next day. It’s so hard dealing with this every single day. I am so tired of it.

My therapist has also stopped seeing me weekly and now I see him every 2 weeks and sometimes even 3 if he is away or something. I feel like because I am fatter he doesn’t think I need him as much which makes me want to restrict more and lose so he will see that I am indeed suffering. I almost fired my therapist the other day. I had showed up for my appointment after not having seen him for 3 weeks and was really looking forward to talking to him and when I got there the receptionist told me he had gone home. I was like wtf. But I just said ok and left. However, walking home I was thinking, I want to make him pay for this, to feel guilty so I called them back and said I wanted to switch therapists so she put me through to the supervisor who called me the next day. By this time I was calm and ok with everything. I think part of my reaction may have been enhanced by my borderline. But anyways, I still am seeing David, my therapist of over 2 years. For my next session he was right on time (he is always late) and he kept me longer. He spent the first 15 mins apologizing and telling me it was his fault and that I should be able to trust him, blah blah blah. I didn’t care to talk about it. I was uncomfortable because I usually don’t speak up or complain. I don’t like doing that. So I felt a bit guilty. Whatever.

Today I had a horrible day. I swear there is some imbalance in my brain because i have the most drastic mood swings you can imagine. I get so filled with rage that I literally start shaking. Today was one of those days. I came home from my kids play group to put my son for his nap and tried to get in our house and the lock wouldn’t open. We always have trouble with this stupid lock. So I called my hubby, had my neighbor Debbie try and nothing helped. I lost it. I was short with my neighbor who kept telling me I could wait at her place and put my son for a nap there. I didn’t want to do that. She annoys me a bit cuz she always wants to visit with me and talk on the phone. She seems so needy and lonely but I don’t want to talk everyday. So I felt like she was hoping I would stay which for some reason made me more angry cuz I just wanted her to call the locksmith quickly so I could get in my house and she seemed to be slow in doing so. So I ended up going for a drive to put my son to sleep. When I came back I called my neighbor to apologize and she said she thought I was mad at her and that she was glad I had called cuz it would have probably affected our friendship had I not.  Anyways, it was good to call. It relieved some of my guilt. Then I apologized to my hubby and kids for my temper and asked for them to forgive me and give me a hug which they did. I felt immensely better after that. But still, I can’t keep having this vicious mood swings and putting my family through that everyday. It’s too much.

I have also been trying to quit smoking so that probably doesn’t help my mood as I am trying to quit and restrict so I don’t gain but then I feel this deep emptiness or something inside me that is almost unbearable. Little things set me off, especially noise. I can’t handle too much noise. It hurts my ears.

Anyways, this is a long update as I haven’t been on here in forever but will try to come on often because I really do appreciate all your support, from ppl who know what the hell I am going through. Thanks to everyone who has been reading or read my diary or left me notes. They are very helpful and much appreciated…