A good day…

Today was a good day for me. Although part of it was good because I was restricting and therefore felt in control and good, I was also just happy. I had a good time with my kids, didn’t lose my temper and just had fun doing normal things. I felt cheerful. I took my kids out in the morning to the library then to play in the schoolyard and it was fun.

My in-laws are still here and as much as I want them gone, I guess it has also been a God send that they are here. I have been learning more about who I am and what I stand for since they have been here. I am gaining assertive skills by saying no to things I don’t like or don’t agree with and haven’t been putting on a face. I am being myself. Although most of this is done in spite, because I am angry that they are in my space and therefore don’t care what they think, in fact hope that they say something so that I can disagree or speak out. Still, at least I am finally finding my voice and hopefully will continue to do so once they are gone. I have also done many things that I normally wouldn’t have done since they have been here. I have driven alone with my kids to my parents farm which is 1.5hr drive. This is something I would normally have been terrified of doing. My son hates car rides and usually screams, even if he is tired so I was terrified of trying, but have found that suckers do wonders in the car, lol. So, all in all, I am learning more about what I am actually capable of and learning to be assertive and to present the real me. It feels good.

My ED has bee up and down. I am in this weird routine where I restrict all day and then at night, I have doubts about why I am restricting and tell myself is it really worth it and so I eat and eat and eat. Usually I will eat over 1000 cals in popcorn and animal crackers with milk, cream of wheat, etc. Still I hate this cycle. I want to just eat normal but am finding it extremely difficult to just let go. Everytime my weight gets up too high for my liking I restrict and exercise more. I can’t seem to let go.

I have also been thinking a lot about death lately and life in general. I have been hearing about a lot of deaths (famous people and family friends) and it has got me thinking about how short life really is and how we never know when our time is up. This gets me to start questioning how I would feel if I knew today were my last day. Would I be happy with how I was spending my time. Would my life have been worthwhile and joyful. Would I have lots of regrets? All these questions go through my head and of course I know I would not be happy with how I have lived my life. This sort of helps me to try to conquer my ED. I tell myself my ED is getting me nowhere and is going to kill me sooner if I don’t let go. I tell myself that I do want to be here for my kids and to be a good role model and to live with joy and find happiness and have fun. I tell myself that my ED is preventing me from doing and having all this. I tell myself that I can’t have my ED long term, if I want to live, so why should I keep clinging to it. I tell myself that I have to let go sometime and then after I tell myself all this, which usually happens at night in my alone time, that’s when the eating starts. I just hate that I wake up the next day and feel the need to restrict all over again to get my weight back down. It’s a horrible cycle. It’s become such a habit now that I don’t even know how to eat normally anymore, even if I wanted to. It’s so hard and draining.

On another note, it is Canada Day tomorrow and there is always a huge thing at the park here so I am going to spend all day there with my hubbby and kids. They have performances (singing and dancing), little booths that sell things and food of all kinds. It’s really fun and at night there are fireworks. I am so looking forward to going. I think I will have a great time.

Also, my best friend just moved away to Calgary, so I am feeling kinda sad not having her here anymore. I miss her already and she just moved like 2 days ago. We usually talk everyday on the phone and she also has mental health isssues like me so we understand each other alot. We actually met for the first time in the psych ward. We used to hang out all the time back in the day and do stupid stuff. I am going to miss her lots.

Well, I am so bad at updating in here. But I hope you all are doing well. I am going to get back to my reading I think…..