Nervous Breakdown Here I come

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Don’t know how to post the actual pic on here so I just put the links. If anyone can help that would be great. I tried the copy and paste from photobucket but when I do that I get a very small pic and when I enlarge it it goes all blurry…Thanks

Each day that goes by I feel like I am closer and closer to having a breakdown. The other day I felt the urge to self-harm and I haven’t felt that urge in almost 5 years now. It’s too much for me to have people staying in my house. I need my space, that’s just who I am. It’s just the little things that are adding up and irritating the hell outta me. Tanvir’s dad calls me a million times everytime I go out to see if I am coming home cuz it’s either Tahir’s nap time or lunch time or whatever. I almost lost it on him the other day and told him they are my kids and I take them out all the time. I also told him that I had told him already that we have a play group that we go to EVERY monday and wednesday and we eat lunch there…Does he not get it that if we eat there I will NOT be home for lunch. DUH. Then there’s the call to prayer that comes blasting out of my computer speakers 5 times a day. The fact that his mom naps on the couch instead of the bedroom everyday. They always have a nap after their 2:30 lunch and sleep for about 2 hours. I just wish she would go to the room and give me some space and freedom. Then there’s the fact that I practically have to scrub the washroom everyday cuz my tub constantly has a ring around it from her washing laundry in it and my sink is also dirty cuz they have to wash 5 times a day before their prayers. I am the only one who cleans it. It sucks. Then there’s the fact that I have to turn off my music so they can watch their stupid Hindi channel on TV. I just want my life and my space back.

We went to my parents farm for my son’s 1st b-day and his parents decided not to come because it would be hard for them with their food and prayers. I liked the fact that I got a break but was also like I thought they came here to visit and see their grandkids, not to stick to their dumb ass routine. Ok, I also am a routine kinda person but I am not nearly as structured as that. I can adapt. It just bothers me cuz when I went to Bangladesh I adjusted to their schedule and culture and they haven’t. I do know they are older, but still I am feeling very resentful, irritated and hateful. Thank Goodness my hubby still takes them out at night cuz I think I would lose it if he didn’t. I lost it on my son’s b-day at my mom for comparing my son with my sister’s daughter who is only 6 days younger than Tahir. It bothered me cuz they had compared  constantly my daughter to my sister’s son before that. Every time they saw them together they would say look how big he is compared to Amira and he is 5 months younger. I kept telling them well his parents are bigger people, taller and bigger boned so it makes sense that they would have big kids. We on the other hand are not big. It doesn’t matter what size they are but I don’t want my kids growing up constantly feeling like they are competing. That’s how I felt growing up and look how messed up I am. So I yelled and lost it then felt guilty about losing it, broke down crying in front of everyone and apologized. It’s all getting too much. I am having these losing it episodes more often now. Then I get home from the farm to learn that my counsellor cancelled my appointment for today because he said he had a prior engagement with his kids. Well then why the hell did he book me then…ARGH. Good news, I see a new psychiatrist at the ED clinic on monday. She is a woman so that will be different for me. Then I also have my bone density scan on Monday right after that. 

As for my ED, I am restricting more, but still eating 3 small meals. I am either losing weight slowly or maintaining. I still feel fat, look fat, feel unworthy. I have more urges to starve now that I feel my life is outta control. However, night time is my worst time for giving in to my hunger and eating. I hate it. It sucks. I want to lose and get my weight at least a little back down. I know I am still underweight but I don’t look it or feel it. 

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00″>Anyways, will add some pics on here for you all to see….  BRB son is up..update more in a bit.