Doing OK….

I haven’t been writing in here as often. I am in a weird place right now. I feel like I am better with my ED and everything, although I am still restricting. However, my weight is stable, not losing or gaining. I guess I am actually losing a bit but just not as fast as before. It doesn’t give me as much anxiety as it used to. I don’t feel as guilty about every bite of food I take now. I am now working on controlling my eating by eating smaller healthy things throughout the day and stopping myself before it goes into a binge. I am getting better at it actually and now hardly binge at all. I just eat a bit of what I feel like and sometimes even junk. I just try not to go overboard and eat everything in sight. It seems to be working. I still don’t like how my body looks or feels and am having a hard time accepting the changes. My tummy is always bloated, my arms, thighs and everything feel fatter. Although, they can’t be much fatter because I am not that much fatter weight wise than I was at my lowest which was 94.8lbs. So I try to comfort myself by telling myself that my mind is warped and not thinking right. I tell myself that but I don’t actually believe it. I do believe I am fat. I feel fat and look fat. UGH….

Anyways, mood wise I feel happier, joyful, peaceful. I find that I am looking forward to my days more. There’s so much to do, so much fun things to be done. It’s my hubby and I’s 5th anniversary today. I can’t believe we have been married five years already. It’s crazy. Although we aren’t very intimate with each other I find myself longing for a connection with him. I want to be close to him, I want to have fun with him, confide in him, spend time with him. We haven’t had sex since before Valentine’s Day. I think I will try tomorrow if he wants. I feel so bad about it. I still haven’t got my period either, which is concerning me a bit. When will it come back. I don’t know. For our anniversary we are going to order some dinner in and then watch a movie, not sure which one yet. I want a romance but not sure of what one to watch that I haven’t already seen. Anyone have any ideas?????

Tonight I had a movie night with my daughter after putting our son to bed. That’s the first time we have done that and it was awesome. Tahir didn’t even wake up, not even once. In fact it’s the first time he has slept 4 hours straight without waking up and me having to go in and nurse him back to sleep. He only woke up once tonight. YAY…It’s so exciting. But ya, the movie was great with Amira. She really enjoyed it and was looking forward to it all day. It was nice to do something with just her, give her that quality time that she rarely gets alone anymore now that we are so busy with her brother and everything else. I also played bingo with her today which was fun and she made me a Mother’s Day card, telling me the whole time that I couldn’t look and then she hid it and will give it to me on Mother’s Day. So sweet. I just love my kids to death. Tahir and Amira had a bath together tonight and Tahir was so excited (he loves baths). He kept splashing and squeling and laughing. It was so cute. Amira is so good with him. She’s such an awesome kid and the best big sister in the world. Thank God for my kids, they are what keeps me going. I love em so much………They have truely changed my life for the better.

On another note, I saw my therapist the other day. Went well. I told him that my GP had called me to set up an appointment but they didn’t tell me why they wanted to set up an appointment and he said it was probably because I had told the ED GP that I didn’t want to see him anymore. So he had faxed my file over to my GP and wants my GP to follow up with me medically. Although I did set up an appointment with him I might cancel as it is for the day after my in-laws arrive. I don’t like to see my doc or anybody, esp. when I weigh more than I did before. I just feel like everyone can see how fat and out of control I am. I feel unworthy. I hate it. I am trying to accept me for me, body shape and all, but it’s easier said than done. My therapist told me to keep a list of all the reasons that I am worthy, special and important and bring it back to him. I am also supposed to write down my thoughts for "If I get better then…" and then put what my neg. voices are and then my positive or balanced thoughts. So I started that a bit. I told my therapist that everytime I think of changing and getting better I start to get fearful and my OCD kicks in with all my other worries and obsessions. This is why I am to keep a list. I fear I will be a worthless nobody without my ED. I want it cuz it makes me feel special, important and like somebody. I know this is dumb thinking but it’s the truth. I could tell that my therapist was excited about our session and I think a little bit more hopeful than before. It makes me kind of sad because I liked his concern. Not sure why. Also he has now started only seeing me every 2 weeks which is triggering my ED a bit because I know that means he is not as worried about me. I want him to be worried. Not sure why again. My thinking may sound dumb but it’s the truth. I just don’t know how I will continue to see him if I gain any more weight. UGH…I hate when people comment and tell me I am lookin better because that really triggers my ED and makes me feel like a worthless outta control loser. But still, I am willing to deal with these unpleasant emotions, knowing that in time they will pass and hopefully one day I will look at myself in the mirror, not with disgust, but with loving acceptance. I desire to be free. I will be free. I will live and find joy, peace, and love. I will be a good role model for my kids. I will be all that I can be. That is more important than the momentary high I get when I lose a pound or someone tells me I look too skinny. Anyways, I should be getting to be as it is 12:30am. Although I am wide awake. I am excited about tomorrow….Hope you all are well. My in-laws will be here now on Tuesday, yikes…