So annoyed by my ED….

AAAH…I am getting so annoyed with my eating disorder. To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have one anymore. For the past week straight I have been restricting my food all day and when night comes I hold off until about 9-10pm then decide I want to watch a movie and eat. So I make my popcorn, get my other munchies ready and set them on a chair beside the chair I will be sitting in and start my movie. I eat mindlessly for awhile then decide I want to taste something different, get up, grab whatever it is I want, cereal, cream of wheat, etc. and go sit and eat it. Then I go weigh myself, eat more. Ahh….At the end of my eating frenzy I check my weight again and find that everytime I gain exactly 2lbs. After having decided that I am done eating, I no longer want to watch the movie nor do anything else. I feel numb and unsure what to do with myself, so I start cleaning because cleaning is what I do to clear out my mind. Cleaning helps me focus. Then I end up going to bed with my tummy stuffed, bloated and sticking out like I am pregnant. I wake up the next morning to find that my weight is the same as yesterday. I am not losing weight but I am not gaining either. I am merely maintaining. I hate it. I don’t want to gain but I also don’t want to maintain. I want to get a bit thinner before my in-laws arrive because I know I will pack on the pounds once they’re here….On the other hand, maybe I won’t binge as much because I don’t like eating in front of people. I try to eat normally when others are around. I just feel gross eating in front of people. It’s like they can see how outta control my mind feels while I am eating. Like they can tell that I just want to shove food in my face and not stop.

Anyways, tonight I am going to try not to binge. I hate binging. I also don’t purge after every binge which makes it all the worse because I can just imagine all that fat and food floating around inside my body and it makes me ill. It’s disgusting. I will allow myself to eat a bit of food, healthy food, if I am feeling a bit hungry or weak but I will try to not binge. I hate binging. I want my control back, at least for a little, until I have it taken away when my in-laws come.

Last night, I tried to wake up my hubby to watch a movie with me. I was feeling lonely and wanted his company. This is a sign of improvement in and of itself. I usually just want to be alone, by myself reading. But lately, I have craved his company, although he is usually asleep or out. I just feel more normal if he is up with me. I feel ok to eat and be normal and I feel like I want to do normal things and not hide in my ED.

I am in the weirdest place with my ED right now. Not sure where I am exactly. I am not totally restricting (only during the day). I eat at night and to be honest, don’t feel totally bad about it. It doesn’t haunt me like before. Is this recovery? I don’t know. Am I getting better? I don’t know. A part of me still craves the ED, the starving, the empty feeling in my mind, body and stomach, the pain that tells me I am on the right track, the identity that comes with my ED, the control and sense of purpose my ED brings me. Part of me is having a hard time giving those things up. I want all the above but I also want to be happy, normal, joyful, free, spontaneous, loving, fun, etc. Most of those things don’t go hand and  hand with my ED however. So I can’t have both. I know I will choose recovery, but my mind will miss my ED. I will have to adjust to my fat ugly body. Hopefully in time I won’t see it as fat and ugly.

Speaking of body and appearance. Lately I am obsessed with arms (upper arms to be exact). I feel mine are too big and everywhere i go I look at people’s arms and notice how massively big they are. It’s like their arms are the size of my thighs and it’s just weird. I don’t know why I am so obsessed with that but I am. Even when I see their arms though I don’t see mine as smaller or small. Mine are also massive. I can’t quite wrap my hand around my upper arm, almost, but there’s still a pinch of flab that doesn’t quite fit around my grasp. So goes for my thighs. I can almost cup both my hands around my thigh but not quite. My belly is another story. It won’t go flat at all anymore. I think because I binge at night, I am not giving it a chance. But why does it stick out so much. It’s gross. I don’t want to wear any of my clothes with my belly hanging out like that. I want to cover up and hide. UGH>…Anyways, my in-laws will be here on the 12th, YIKES>..I have been getting things ready and starting to feel more anxious and worried.

Anyways, hope you all are well…..