Update

So, I am not exactly sure how I have been doing lately. I seem to be on this weird cycle of restricting my eating all day then binging a bit at night. It’s not like my normal binges because I don’t eat too too much. I am able to stop myself now before I feel full. I eat mostly ok things like cream of wheat, puffed wheat, popcorn and the last 2 nights have had Doritos. Sometimes I have 2 servings of cereal with skim milk. Oh ya and I have a dilly bar usually (my hubby bought a box of them from DQ). My weight, on this weird cycle of eating, is gradually going down, but not as fast as before when I didn’t do my night eating. I don’t feel too bad about eating at night. I have this thought in my head that I will save up my calories so I can eat at night because I like eating at night and that seems to be the time that I lose my control. So I figure if I restrict more in the day then I am ok to eat at night. I want to eventually get to the place where i can eat healthy during the day and not have to eat like crazy at night, maybe just the occasional snack or popcorn. I just don’t want to gain weight though. I feel so much better when I am hungry and restricting, knowing that my body has to use some of those extra calories I have eaten the night before. It makes me feel a bit cleaner.

Last night, however, after I ate I purged a bit but couldn’t finish because my hubby came home. I saw his car coming from the kitchen window. I have to purge in the kitchen because my daughter’s room is right by the washroom and I don’t want her to hear me if I gag. I hate purging though and most of the time I don’t.

That parent group I go to twice a week though is kinda triggering my ED. There is another lady there who is skinny (she doesn’t have an ED but I think she would like to). She’s always asking me how it’s going and about my weight and food, etc and then goes on to talk about how she eats and what she doesn’t eat. The other day she came to group wearing this short that showed her belly and it triggered me because for some reason I felt like I was in competition with her. Even though I know I am skinnier (everyone tells me I am) I still feel fat compared to her. And why should I care if she IS skinnier? I shouldn’t, but it triggers my ED thoughts and I end up leaving group feeling bad about letting myself eat more than normal and vow to lose more weight by the next time I go to group. I don’t like people telling me I look good because to my ED mind that says "YOU LOOK FATTER than the last time I saw you". That doesn’t help me.

Anyways, my in-laws will be here on May 12th. I am kinda relieved that they are coming because I am so sick of this damn ED and my mind can’t seem to decide what to do. Get better or lose a bit more weight. At least I will have to act normal and eat a bit more normally while they are here. I just wish I could do it on my own. I am afraid that once they leave, I will be back at it. I feel so ugly and worthless when I gain weight. I feel like a nobody and I hate that feeling. I want to be able to define myself in other ways so I can live my life in joy but that’s easier said than done. For now, my bones, my weight validate my self-worth. The more fat I have on me, the more worthless I feel.

Today was my daughter’s first day at gymnastics and it was so awesome and exciting. I was looking forward to it all day. We got to watch her from a room upstairs and she was so giddy and happy and kept looking up at us to see if we were watching, which we were. I was so proud of her and it felt so good to get her into something she enjoys, something that’s just hers and not her brothers. I think she needs that as she probably feels left out sometimes not that she has a brother to share her parents with. All through dinner, she kept talking about her gymnastics and what she did. It made me so happy that she enjoyed it and we will definately put her in it again. It’s amazing what some of those young girls can do. I was also watching some of the other girls that were doing gymnastics at the same time. Simply amazing. I used to be in gymnastics too when I was living at home. I liked it but I never got far in it. I guess watching brought back some of those memories and it felt good. While I was there though, I did notice some of the moms and other people staring at me. Not sure if they noticed that I looked too skinny. To be honest, I don’t consider myself anorexic anymore, not with my eating almost everynight. My contol is gone. I don’t even think I look skinny. Not anymore. My weight isn’t that much higher but still feels it. I wonder sometimes if maybe I do have a distorted view of my body, but don’t think that’s possible. How can I not see what’s right there in front of me. That doesn’t make sense to me.

Anyways, I have been trying to get some last minute things done before my in-laws get here. Been working on my son’s blanket ( I only have his name left to stitch on), finish his poem (only 2 more verses to write) finish my ED book questions (a few chapters left) and then some other things around the house, but those will have to wait until almost right before they come as they are cleaning and such. Anyways, once my in-laws r here I probably won’t be updating as much as the computer is in the living room, where everyone will be. I will try though to update as much as I can. I will miss coming on here and miss all ur support. I hope you all are doing well…