FAT FAT FAT>>>I want to kill myself
I am so so so fat right now I want to curl up and die. I don’t want to go out in public because I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want to hear, you look good cuz to me that means I look fatter. Too fat. I hate myself so much right now. I am so not eating much today. I will allow myself fruit to hopefully stimulate my bowels. I need this fat off me now. I hate it so much. I feel ugly and disgusting and gross and horrible. I can’t sit still. I want to run run run and not stop. I wish I could exercise all day long but I can’t cuz I have my kids to look after. But I am not eating much other than fruit and mixed veggies cooked. I hate my body so much right now. It’s horrible. Why is my mind so demented. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate this life. UGH>…I want to cut my fat off me. I want to cut cut cut….UGH> I see my therapist on Friday and I want to cancel it cuz I don’t want him to see me this ugly and fat. It’s disgusting….UGH>>>
definitely a mistake to cancel your therapist. this is terribly sad.
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you really really really need to take your diary to your therapist, and maybe he/she can help you work on ways to cope with these thoughts and feelings, and if not that, then at least he/she would better understand what’s going on in your head on a daily (and uncensored, because let’s face it, everybody censors themselves when talking face to face with others) basis.
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If you don’t mind me asking how did this all start with you, One day your ok, The next day your not, Can you get medication for this ED. Anne~
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Sometimes I get so angry, I just grab and pinch at my fat until it hurts and bruises. I know what it feels like to absolutely HATE and DESPISE your body…that’s how I feel about mine. I feel sick to my stomach looking at myself naked in a mirror. I think I look repulsive…there are never “I feel pretty today” days anymore.
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I daydream about being able to just slice away at my body. Sculpt it down until I’m happy. I was looking so forward to hanging out with my friends on Saturday and when it got down to actually leaving my house, I wanted nothing more than to scream and cry and just go mad. I felt disgusting. I knew that once I got out of the house and got to see them, I’d have a good time, but it was the then and there that was killing me. I did, eventually, hours later, leave. Your not alone. Feel better and, as hypocritical as it sounds, please rethink canceling your appointment.
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