3 Days of Eating and nothing but Anxiety

So, I have eaten for the whole weekend. I don’t feel too great about it. I feel bloated, full, uncomfortable, ugly, fat, anxious and unworthy. I don’t know how to be me without starving myself. I don’t know what to do with myself or even who I am. I feel lost without my ED, and extremely unworthy. I was thinking of cancelling my therapist appointment on Friday for fear he will see how fat I have gotten. I feel disgusting in my skin. I did it all wrong, ate too much, gained too fast. Now I want to start over again. My plan is to restrict again for this week, get my weight at a reasonable low and then start eating "healthy". Healthy to me means, small meals, mostly fruits and veggies, no junk food. I will still try to restrict my calories but not as much as before. I won’t feel as weak but I won’t gain as much either. I just feel like I have to get my weight back down before I eat again because I feel like I have all this fat swimming in my body that needs to be gone. If I eat healthier foods when I do eat again, I won’t feel as dirty and unclean. I need to do that.

Still, the days of eating weren’t too bad. It felt nice to know I was "allowed" to eat if I wanted to. I didn’t eat all the time. I still felt hunger pains and in fact in Church this morning I thought I was going to puke I was so nauseaus and my stomach hurt, actually hurt so bad. Also, I have had horrible diarreah (sorry TMI) and it is accompanied by severe cramps. Not sure why that is. But it hurts so bad, feels like I am dying. My body is already changing. My viens are no longer popping outta my skin, my stomach is no longer flat but bloated. I feel so disgusting. There’s still a part of me that is terrified to let go of my ED.

Now when I am alone at night, after the kids are in bed, I feel lonely and sad. Before, when I was restricting, I used to love being alone. Now I just feel this horrible emptiness, loneliness and sadness and also fear. Fear of life of living and of death and of what might happen in life. Just a lot of fear. I don’t like these feelings at all. It felt safer to just feel hungry. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel trapped, lost and alone when I eat.  On good thing I did experience while eating was that eating certain things no longer produced such huge anxiety. Where when I was restricting I used to be scared to eat a 100 calorie bowl of cream of wheat because it weighed a lot I now no longer feared it. It’s only 100 cals and the weight is just the weight of the food, not fat weight. It doesn’t seem to be as big a deal as before. I had or have a hard time eating things that are heavy, condensed and that weigh a lot. Some veggies and fruit even scare me cuz they weigh a lot and therefore if I eat them, the scale will go up. SIGH…What an evil scale and yet I don’t have the courage to get rid of it.

I do still want to recover and I am willing to try. But there’s still a huge part of me that doesn’t want to let go of my ED. I feel so unworthy and so not as good as others when I eat. It’s like I don’t have an identity anymore without my ED. People will no longer care about me. That scares me. I feel like I have to punish myself now for eating so much. I want to feel the disgusting acidic taste of the coffee in my mouth and throat, the pain of hunger in my body. Those things told me I was on the right track. I need pain to tell me I am ok, I am good, I am worthy. How twisted is that. Anyways, I won’t even mention my weight on here because I am too fat for words. I hope to get it down tomorrow and feel better about myself then.

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there is no point in restricting and going back down if you plan to gain. you’ll say that everytime you eat something that you feel guilty about. keep reminding yourself why you DON’T want the ED, what you will lose if you keep it, etc. try not to focus on why you want/need it. make a list of the physical and mental things it’s doing to you and compare it to how you were before the relapse. ~Ash

April 19, 2009

Dont let yourself be defined by an eating disorder. You dont want to be known as “the girl with the eating disorder” You want to be known as the fun mom, amazing and beautiful wife, and great person to be around. Beating this ED will give you so much more time with your husband and kids.

April 20, 2009

Only u think u r fat and ugly etc, all ur kids and husband see is how ill and thin u look. I wish u could see how beautiful u really r! U can recover, but it will be a long and hard journey but u will be a winner in the end if you stick to ur therapy, tell him how u feel. good luck sweetie! RYN- thanks hun i totally agree, familes r more like the enemy sumtimes! xx

April 21, 2009

I am glad to hear you are going to eat small meals andmostly fruits and veggies. That is great. Small steps. I am proud of you. I know it is not an easy commitment to make. The bloating will go away. Your body just isn’t use to eating right now. Plus, if it’s junk, then diarreha will come too. I know you are scared but keep at it hun. You are worth it. Getting better for the kids….and u!