Doc Appointment

So I saw the doctor today. Didn’t go that well. I have lost 4lbs since the last time I saw him and my body fat percentage is the same so he said I was losing muscle and he seemed very concerned. He’s like I think now is the time for you to go on meds. I said no. He wasn’t happy. Then, when I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore he’s like well your therapist is worried and wants you to be monitored. Then he said he also wanted my nutritionist to weigh me every 2 weeks and I said I don’t want to be weighed. I said I don’t want to see you at all anymore. He started to say, you have no choice but then stopped short. I said, yes I do have a choice and he’s like well right now you do but you won’t soon. Then he went on about how I have been going downhill fast and that bad things can happen anytime and they come suddenly and can do irreversable damage. I said I know. He still was concerned. He said well soon, if you keep losing you will be hospitalized, have your kids taken away. I am like no I won’t I have my hubby here to watch them. Then he said, but doesn’t he work. I said yes, but I am sure he would take time off to watch the kids. But then I said, that doesn’t even matter cuz I am NOT going to the hospital.

He was like I want to see you in 2 weeks but i can’t so in a month I want to see you. I told him I don’t want to see him at all. He I think was annoyed with me, but I left his office without an appointment. Not sure how my therapist will take that. But I do plan on gaining and therefore do NOT want someone to see how much I have gained and how fast I have gained it. So, to me it makes sense not to see him. I really don’t think I will lose more weight as my in-laws will be here in less than a month and they are Indian and Indians push food on you all the time. They will take one look at me and be shocked I am sure so I will try to fatten up a bit before they get here.. The only thing is, I am sure I will have many relapses, times where i want to restrict and will just to get my weight back down a bit more. But, in time, hopefully therapy will help me balance out my life. I am interested and wanting to recover now. I am tired, fed up and exhausted from my ED. I am tired of thinking about food 24/7. I do want to live.

Anyways, after my doc appointment I came home and binged. I had a blueberry scone with becel and some honey and ate it like I haven’t seen food in a year. I looked like a pig and was eating like one. I felt so sick after eating, bloated and had a headache and was instantly so tired. So I drank lots of water, had a bit of coffee since i hadn’t had any that morning and thought the headache might have been because of that. The thing is, after i ate, I didn’t feel that guilty. I guess because I had literally eaten hardly anything for a day and a half. The scale of course went up but I am not too too worried as I did drink a lot of water and was able to stop eating before I went way overboard. I did eat too much, but i could have eaten more and I didn’t. I instead drank water and am proud of myself for that, seeing as I hardly drink any water. It felt good to nourish my body actually. After eating, I wasn’t so consumed with thoughts of food and foods that looked so good before no longer had that appeal. I guess because I was full. I even went ahead and ate dinner. And I plan to have popcorn and a movie and a blizzard from Dairy Queen which is loaded with calories. But I don’t care. Tonight I will eat what I want. Tomorrow I will too because it’s my daughter’s b-day and I don’t want to dampen the day because I am hungry and cranky.

It feels so good to be here right now, not thinking about what I want to eat, being able to enjoy reading and be able to sit and concentrate 100% on it while doing it. It feels good to know that I can eat if I want to. It’s a kind a freedom I guess. Now that i am telling myself i can eat, I no longer want to eat really. I am already full enough. But if I do get hungry, just knowing that I am allowed to eat feels good. It actually energizes me. It’s a great feeling. I know I won’t feel this all the time. But for now I am going to enjoy it.

I am going to go decorate our house for my daughter’s b-day and then watch my movie. For once, I am actually looking forward to my night. Not just trying to pass the time without eating. What a great feeling……

Thanks to all the people who have commented on my diary to support and encourage me. Your words have done wonders, more than you will ever know. I always feel like I have support on here and never feel alone when I know I can come on here to connect with others who know what I am going through. Thanks so much for all your comments. Hope you all are doing great and have the best weekend ever. Know that you are all beautiful and deserve to be happy and loved and to love yourself.