Waiting for my doctor’s appointment

So, my doctor appointment with the GP on the ED unit is tomorrow at noon. Thank goodness is all I can say. I can’t wait to get it done and over with so I can eat something. I have only had one 40 cal yogurt today and one 50 cal rice cake. I don’t feel hungry, but my mind wants food. I keep myself from eating by cleaning. I find that cleaning always helps me with whatever I am going through, whether it be anger, stress, keeping myself from eating, feeling overwhelmed, anything. I love cleaning. I guess because you can see the result right away and I can think better and my mind is more peaceful when my house is clean. It’s weird.

Anyways, I saw the nutritionist the other day and I told her I want to stop seeing the GP because I feel obligated to lose weight when I see him. She didn’t like this idea at all. She said somebody needs to monitor me because if I lose anymore weight I might need to be hospitalized. I told her I plan on gaining, not losing and therefore I don’t want to see him because if I know I have to see him, I WILL restrict more. It’s a catch 22. I don’t know what the doc will say when I tell him I don’t want to see him anymore, but I don’t really care either. It IS MY CHOICE .

Other than that, I tried to go to a group tonight from 6-7:30 about healthy body image. The other counsellor who works at the ED clinic was putting it on and so I thought it would be good if I went. However, my son didn’t last long before he got tired. They had on site childcare. He usually goes to bed at 6pm and even though I gave him a later nap than usual, he was still tired so I left. The group that went was mostly recovering drug addicts (the same people that are in the mom and kid group I take my kids to twice a week) and they were mostly overweight. I felt weird anyways being there so was glad when I left.

My daughter’s 4th birthday is this Saturday and we are having it at a bowling alley and will have pizza there. I am so excited about her party. It will be great. We ordered her a princess cake, although I hate store bought cakes. I prefer homemade. So we are also going to make our own rainbow bit cake with rainbow bit icing tomorrow and have it either before or after the party. I love that kind of cake and am excited about eating it. LOL…My daughter also loves baking so it should be fun. We got her a huge princess castle for her barbies and I think she will love it. We got it on sale after Christmas. We also got her a few other things. She’s so spoiled, but I just can’t help it. I love the look on her face and the excitement when she gets something she wants. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give her everything she wants. I know you need healthy limits and need to teach her the value of money and learn to be grateful for what she has. But on special occasions, we go overboard sometimes. I am going to decorate the house with lots of balloons and hang them from the ceiling. It’s so much fun.

Anyways, I am also excited about tomorrow because I plan on watching a movie and eating. YAY…One night i get to eat. I just want to be normal and eat normal, but I do know that I will end up eating way too much. It happens everytime. Hopefully soon I will get to the place where I know when to stop eating and when to eat and just learn to nourish my body instead of this starve binge cycle that i am on.

Last night, sadly I binged. I wasn’t going to but I had one rice cake and went downhill from there. I also purged. I wasn’t going to do that either and probably wouldn’t have if I didn’t have my doc appointment on Friday. I didn’t want to weigh that much more. I didn’t get all the food out, but most of it and that felt good.

I went out for two walks today. One in the morning with my kids. I love going for morning walks when it’s nice out and think that’s something I will continue to do. It really helps my mood for the rest of the day. Then I walked to the dentists because I had to get a filling. I have horrible teeth and have all my life.

I think I am going to end the night by cleaning the bathroom. Then my entire house will be done, yay. I love waking up in the morning when I have cleaned like crazy the night before. Everything is in order and therefore my mind feels in order too. Anyways, I think I will go now because i am rambling on and on. Hope you all are well.