Like Lovers Do

 Things remain unchanged, I suppose. Everything is as it was, except Portland becomes more and more tangible. My friend seemingly got approved for more of his disability, so he can save that up for a bit, and I can work on getting my car fixed up and save up, and we should be ready to go up there around the same time. There’s so much on my mind that I can barely keep focus at work, and most of it is bad, but that is the shining ray of hope. I am definitely mutilating my right index finger from playing bass, but it’s worth it. I want to be as close to being a badass bass player as I can be when I move up there.

I suppose I should backtrack a bit about the ex. It’s not the same girl from before, the one I had Spanish class with. In fact, I hadn’t even met her when I had written my most recent entry before last.

Her name is Cassandra, but she goes by Cass. She works with a couple of my friends. My "sister" Kayla invited her over for a get together and I talked with her there, but it wasn’t until we saw each other at another get together that sparks flew. We hung out a couple days later, and things moved pretty quick. We saw each other a lot that week, and so after about a week we were dating. It seemed great for a while. She was gone over Christmas to visit her dad, and then dodged me for a bit when she got back, so I didn’t get to spend New Year’s Eve with her. She came over the next day and told me a lot about her past, worried it would push me away. It didn’t, and things were fine. I suppose cracks started showing, I don’t think I was able to adjust to being not single after being single so long as well as I should have. Out of nowhere she ranted to me about trying to fix Kayla and Jared’s relationship one night and said that I needed to be more assertive. It seemed like she was really concerned, I guess because, well, their relationship was horrible and she thought I could help fix it. We had our monthiversary dinner a couple days later and we talked about the future. I suppose things were obvious then. The next week we didn’t see each other a whole lot or talk a whole lot. I went over, we watched a movie, I brought up how she was distancing herself, we talked, and decided to amicably break up and just be friends. At the time, I wanted that.

We hung out platonically a couple times. I felt a bit weird. The next hangout, we were romantic and hooked up. After that, nothing. I realized with time that I still liked her, and wanted to be with her. Several weeks later I went over to her place and confessed. She was apparently over me at this point, and said that I seemed passionless and empty. It really hurt, but it was the truth, or so I thought.

Then I didn’t talk to her for several weeks, until the conversation from last time. There was a hangout last night, and I got to talk to her. Apparently her ex started hanging out with her about a week after we broke up, and a couple weeks later somehow went from wanting to make sure nothing romantic happened between them, to wanting her back, and she relented. They are now moving in together.

I had my chance. She says that she got over me quickly, and that it wasn’t meant to be, but I think that’s somewhat inaccurate. I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. I didn’t compliment her enough. I didn’t stand up for myself enough. I didn’t show enough passion. Apparently her ex did. And now it’s too late.

It’s been bothering me more and more, and I can’t get over it. I seem to idealize her more and more as time goes by. I realized that, I think I’m in love with her. That would explain it. And it’s fucking hilarious, and heartbreaking. Loving someone I can’t have, after I possibly ruined things…I’ve been here before. It was a long time ago. It took me forever to get over it before. I can only imagine how long it will take this time. It’s one of the reasons I really want to move. 

Honestly, I’ve known her three months. That doesn’t seem like a long enough time to love someone. Things moved fast. I also wasn’t used to it. For so long, I’ve been alone. Practically all my life. I’ve felt like an outsider, so empty, so different. And then I dated her. And for a little while, I felt normal. Like I was like everyone else. I got to experience the little things I had always wanted to that happen in a real relationship. Falling asleep next to someone, and waking up to them still there. Sex. Going out to restaurants, holding hands while walking there. Going on dates. Watching movies. All of this stuff that most people experience often, I really had for the first time. And now it’s gone. I feel myself aching at all the little cute things she did, all the habits that are gone. I can look past the things that bothered me, like her smoking, or constantly drinking Mountain Dew and not really taking care of herself. It’s said that successful relationships work because lovers idealize each other and look past their faults. That’s why I feel it’s love. Anyway, I don’t know if I could have prevented it. I have to leave this valley if I’ll ever acbieve my dreams, and for that to happen, we can’t be together right now. But it fucking hurts. Childish or not, my feelings hurt. We had so much in common. I don’t know if there will be another chance down the line. Maybe I will find someone else and forget all about her. Maybe I will live the rest of my life feeling as empty as I have been. Time will tell. 

Love…is a curse to me. I feel doomed not to share it, doomed not to feel it in return. Doomed to walk this world forever lamenting that I am alone because I know it exists. It’s an unwanted gift. Love, compassion, family, caring, these things have never been able to motivate me. Hate, bitterness, jealousy, frustration, that is what drives me. It’s fucked up, but that’s how it is. I possess this delusion that if I leave and become successful, maybe I could earn another chance with her. That will fade with time. I wonder if, nevertheless, I can somehow use it to better myself. That…positive feeling. Not just the hurt lying beneath it.

At some point before I leave, I’ll have to tell her all this, for my peace of mind. I’ve been pretty open with her, but I haven’t related this. I don’t seek to try to break up or destroy her new old relationship. Even if she took me back, it wouldn’t work. I have to leave. Outside of that, I am still miserable. But I need to let her know how amazing she is, the effect she has had on me, and that if the stars align, I would love to try again down the line and give her everything she’s ever wanted, hopefully.

I’ve been either sad, or mad. I prefer mad. I get stuff done that way. Not so much when I’m sad. I’m robbed of sleep at night, and I cry, which is something I never do. I won’t hold back these feelings like I have in the past. No, they mean something, and I shall allow them. It’s weird feeling so…unstable. Perhaps I’ve been like this all along, and simply thought myself calm and rational.

Otherwise, I’ve been frustrated. I didn’t get anything done this week. Corey bailed on me two days in a row, so we didn’t shoot any videos. Matt also bailed on coming over to jam, but we did hang out earlier, and I ranted to him about everything. He needs to find his motivation, like I have found mine. Maybe something terrible has to happen to him, or maybe simply the excitement of going to Portl

and and being closer to our dream will be enough. Everyone is different. Most people probably aren’t as deranged as me. Still, every day that nothing happens is another dagger in my heart. Another continuation of my self-proclaimed nightmare. I can’t tolerate excuses and things getting in the way. That’s happened for years. We made a grilled cheese video that got a lot of reactions on Facebook. So what? It only got a couple hundred views on Youtube. Nothing has changed, we’re still unknown. Our websites and our videos and articles are no good if no one sees them, we can’t rest on our laurels.

I appreciate the support you guys have given me in the notes, but I have a question. Do you honestly believe in me? If you don’t, I’m not offended. In a weird way, it’s more motivation. But if you do, why do you? I’ve never met any of you, you have this mere window into my life. How can you believe me more than people who see me everyday? Then again, I am 100% honest in here, this is where I dump all my crazy. It’s not as much outside of here. Maybe that is my problem, no one sees my passion. It cost me a relationship and who knows what else, and I would hope it’s evident in here, but maybe it’s not elsewhere. 

Oh yeah, it’s daylight savings time. I guess I lost an hour, but I feel it will be a rough night regardless. Yay for energy drinks and their quickly-dwindling revitalizing effect on me. Time for bed. Good night.