Army of One

 Much has happened since I wrote last. Moreso than usual I suppose.

I moved. Not far, just a couple hundred feet over from the apartment to a townhouse in the same complex. Same roommate, plus one more that we pretty much always hung out with anyway. The new setup is good. It gets pretty hot upstairs, and cold downstairs, but that’ll happen. Having a room upstairs reminds me of being a kid…I like running up the stairs. I enjoy once again being able to look out the window and see the dusk sky, and a fiery ember slowly being smothered by darkness. If the moon is out, it makes the clouds worth watching as I’m in bed and trying(well, somewhat) to sleep. Also, things are cheaper, which has yet to affect me, but will be helpful down the line. It’s a more conducive setup for being a social, though I’m not currently of the personality to appreciate it.

My buddy from Michigan is here and has his own place. We have yet to really get together to jam and work on conquering the world through music. I’m glad he’s here and also glad I’m not rooming with him.

I’m back in school. I’ve been slacking so far on my studying, which is starting to catch up to me. Luckily, I mostly have the weekend off from work, so there’s plenty of time to catch up. It’s good to be back, even if I’m paying half this time. My books took FOREVER to arrive due to a mix-up at the post office that wasn’t really explained. I’m still missing my Spanish textbook, and one of the dictionaries, but have everything else. 

I got a new job, and left an old one. I finally got into the plasma center. I suppose I had an opportunity before and was too distracted, but now I’m in. I was supposed to be nights and weekends, and might still end up doing that, but training was in the mornings, and it got in the way of JC Penney. I had pretty much no notice, and they wouldn’t excuse my absences. It’s understandable. I cashed in my saved up gift cards the other day, made one last employee purchase(and thus got a Mario hoodie I’d wanted for a while for a dollar), and resigned through the employee kiosk, which one of the office ladies showed me how to do, which is amusing to me. I somewhat feel like a coward, because of the indirect way it happened and how I kind of screwed over my supervisor and the rest of the team, but fudge it. It’s done. I disliked that place. I was gone for almost a couple weeks before I quit, and no one that I considered a friend seemed to notice. I see myself hanging out with one person from there in the future, which is fine. The others are cool, but I tire of trying to help people who will not change. People there are unhappy. I was unhappy; I did something about it. I have no sympathy for the rest. 

I’m also back in the demo business, which comes at the perfect time. I was going to try to work plasma and Penney’s and do school, which might have been too much, so I’ll settle for plasma and demos on weekends that are available. I actually have one tomorrow, and I don’t have a car, so I need to see if someone will take me. If not, I’m fine with looking like a crazy person and lugging my supplies in a shopping cart halfway across town. I hate relying on people anyway.

I feel like I am legitimately changing. For the better? I imagine most wouldn’t say so, but I think it’s for the better. I’m becoming more assertive, somewhat more confident. Focusing more on myself. I just don’t feel like being social, not to the degree I used to. Reaching out to so many people, exerting so much effort, doing things I was never asked to. I don’t know why I would always expend the extra effort, but by isolating myself, I do feel more focused, and more productive. I’m starting to play bass again, starting to work on my site again, etc. Hanging out with people all the time is fun, but it doesn’t really help you grow as a person. I suppose more and more I just don’t want to be around them anyway. I feel disenchanted, and just see flaws. I think I’m just meant to operate on my own. It feels like for quite a while it’s been me against the world, and for a little less longer I’ve felt like it, and now, well, I’m acting like it. I’m going to fade into the shadows, so to speak, and do my own thing, and I don’t really see anyone stopping me, which is convenient. I’m not sure if I want to go straightedge again, but it seems like it could happen in the process, as I only drink around others. I think a lot of the appeal to it was to isolate myself and help resist peer pressure, and I don’t really need that now.

I’ve been trying a little more with women, with no more luck than usual. Messaged a couple people online, nothing. Hung out a couple times with a rather cute girl in my Spanish class, felt the vibe was mutual, got her number, texted her…nothing. Perhaps she will later, but I’m not fretting about it. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It seems anyone I’m interested in isn’t interested in me, and I’m occasionally approached by people I’m not interested in. I have no intentions to lower my standards. If I find someone, cool, if not, it’s less hassle. I’m not sure too many people would like the ‘real’ me, so to speak. I’m generally honest anyway, but I’m more honest now, less sympathetic, more selfish perhaps. Socially, I’m not sure that’d be considered my ‘best’. And I’ve always managed to scare people off when I was at my best, I could only imagine how I’d scare the townspeople if I showed them the rest of me. I’d be met by angry mobs with pitchforks and torches! Well, maybe not, but it seems like it. I’m just…tired. Tired of people. They’re usually not honest. They play games. They’re afraid to take chances. They fall into the same mistakes. I’m trying to avoid that, so it feels like I have to avoid people. As the overused cliche goes, "If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." Well, people aren’t patient enough to wait until you’re at your best. I think I used to be, but not any more. They want you at your best at all times, and expect you to deal with their worst. I know I’m judgmental, I definitely am…I’m usually pretty good at keeping it to myself. The less I talk and more I listen, the more I notice how gossipy and condemning people are against each other.

I realize I never made an entry about PAX, which was a couple months ago now, but fairly significant. Maybe that will be next time.