Drink Alone

 I’m drinking alone. I never do that. I think the time to go straightedge once again is drawing nigh. Probably once the quickly-diminishing wares I bought from the Liqour Expo last week are gone. I’ve barely had any. I made this drink too strong, usually other people make my drinks for me. I don’t know what good straightedge will do this time, but it’ll separate me from everyone else, which in my compromised state of mind makes sense right now.

I don’t know what’s going on with me…I seem to fall in and out of depression. I avoided everyone last time for about a week, before my sister saw me as I was leaving the parking lot and freaked out at me, I guess she was pretty worried. Won’t have to worry about that this time, I forgot to tell Jared I wasn’t going out with a few of the group to eat on Wednesday and sent out a text telling people there would be grilling and hanging out at my house. So that pissed them off, plus someone who I didn’t invite because she never comes to small hangouts found out and was upset, and no one extra came over anyway. Scott and Skyler tried to get me to go biking, and I just laid in bed, I figured they would harass me until I went with them like usual, but they just left me be. Pushing people away feels easy to do lately. About the only thing I can do right. No one is giving me shit for my mistakes, they never do, but I think I’m starting to wear on everyone. It feels like the least of my concerns. 

I don’t know what the answer is. I know I’m being completely irrational. I realize there is probably something legitimately wrong with me, but I’m too prideful to go to a doctor, plus I’m broke anyway. If I can’t deal with myself on my own, I’d feel too pathetic for needing friends or pills. I know better than to resort to drugs or alcohol for an escape from myself. I’m not really sure what I did before, but whatever I conjured up isn’t appearing now. I just feel like laying in bed, not because I want to sleep, but because I want to do nothing. I guess I want to hide. I feel too shamed to face people I disappoint, things I’ve done wrong, days I’ve wasted. It’s easier to hide, it’s easier to run. I’m pretty good at running; I’ve been doing it for years. Running from state to state, place to place, it rarely seems I’m running to something, mostly just running from something. From myself, I suppose. My various cross-country moves have taught me that no matter where you go, you’re the same person, and you’re going to have to deal with your situation sooner or later. I’m not ready to deal with myself yet. I don’t know when I will be. The worst part is, I’ve done this all to myself. All this, well, whatever is wrong with me. It’s 100% my own doing. I didn’t have a fucked up childhood. I wasn’t raped, I didn’t have a parent die or anything like that. At some point during those lovely formative high school years, things started to change, and they haven’t stopped since. I guess it doesn’t really matter what I’ve done or haven’t done, who I’ve wronged or who has wronged me. The only person who needs forgiven is myself, if I could just forgive myself things would be fine. I’m sure I would be quick to give advice to someone else in my position, because it’s really quite simple. It feels impossible, though. I guess it doesn’t matter. Everything works until it doesn’t. Either I’ll figure it out, or I won’t. I’ll stop hating myself and probably enjoy life and make progress, or I’ll continue on with the status quo of the past few years magnified.

Work is pretty horrible, but I waited too long to find something with my planned alternatives. I don’t even know what’s going on with my weekend job either, I think I missed a possible demo this weekend, I haven’t had any work in a while. I hate Penney’s at this point, but there’s nothing else available. I’m also pretty stressed about money. There’s PAX coming up, which I don’t know if I have time off for(I’m going regardless) and the expenses with that, potentially going to visit Michigan and thus not working for a week, and then having to pay for school at the beginning of October. If I could get my head on straight, these things would be much easier to deal with.