Battle on Wounded Knee

I can’t really complain about life lately, I suppose. I have enough money to pay off the other part of my stupid taxes, so Monday I’ll call them and do that. I talked to the assistant manager  at work and I’m going to get out of the pricing team I’ve been on pretty much since I started and onto some other support team. That will allow me to work nights and evenings and take classes in the mornings, which is pretty much requisite to take anything decent, and also working on the team I’m on has become quite miserable. Friends have gotten married recently, more have moved into the apartment complex, there are parties, trips to the lake, stuff like that. In that sense everything is okay.

However, I’m not okay. 

For a while I’ve had this whole mentality about ignoring my feelings, trying not to let things bother me, being alone and independent. Under the right circumstances I do think something like that can work, but it’s not working for me. I could ignore things, I could pretend like everything is okay and go on for a while, probably forever. There’s no reason to.

I suppose it’s been brewing for a while, but the 4th was the icebreaker. A few of us were going to go to Table Rock, a nearby trail/super small mountain, to watch the fireworks, since it’d overlook a lot of the valley. People started dropping out, the timing wasn’t working, some were claiming it was closed and secured at night, etc. I ended up going with some other friends to the fairgrounds, which was horrible. Then we left there to go to Sonic to watch them, but the wait for food was an hour long. We ended up just watching them while sitting on the corner of an intersection, with people everywhere and a crappy view. It reminded me a lot of Michigan, I guess. I just wasn’t enjoying it. Also, I gave in to something else other than what I wanted to do originally, because I was afraid I’d end up at home alone being a lameass. It was obvious apparently, so my friends were asking me about it, and I vaguely told them while I was bummed, because my life was boring and unsuccessful, which is also true. They tried to deflect the guilt, and in some ways they’re right, but it’s still pathetic. Later, when I got home, I don’t know, I guess I could feel myself crack, and shatter. I really realized how unhappy I am.

There’s nothing too crazy about that situation, but it’s happened so many times. I do something I don’t want to because I’m afraid of failure, or I try to please everyone, I don’t have the cajones to do what I want to do, regardless of the possibilities. How many times have I failed? How many times have I had regrets? How many times have I failed to make an impression, or had someone not even be able to remember my name at work? How many nights do I find myself unable to sleep because of thinking about my life and how it’s not going where I should? How many years have I been alone? Far too many times, and far too many nights, and far too many years. I’m the only one who really knows this, and I’m the only one who really has to deal with it. So I will. I’m isolating myself for a while so that I can look at my life, and assess it, and re-evaluate it. It’s not a good time, it’s summer and whatnot, but is there ever a good time to be depressed? Perhaps it is the best time, as my roommate is gone for two weeks, so I have the house to myself.

And so I’ve been keeping to myself this week, with a couple exceptions and also any interaction that comes up at work. At some point everyone will notice, and then I will have to have a stronger will than them and shoo them away while I deal with this. They’ll pontificate to me like before, but I can’t listen. I know my life is pathetic and I want to change it. All my problems are related to me, so I need to change me. I need to stop being afraid of failure, and gain confidence. I am my problem. 

It doesn’t seem like that with most other people, though I could be wrong. I see my friends who are held back by something, I guess we’re all held back by something. I hold myself back, but with others it’s usually something else. Maybe a relationship they know isn’t right, but they stay in it because they’re afraid they won’t be able to, or they’re afraid to go for the person they want because of pressure from parents or other external sources. They get hung up on things and don’t get past them. I don’t have a bad relationship, or a lost love, or a job I’m invested in, yet I have fear much the same. I can’t listen to their excuses for me, not only because they’re no better than me, but because it won’t help me. I guess that was my problem before. I would just deflect things and move on. Really though, if something hurts, there’s a reason for it. It probably should be changed. Unless you change whatever is causing it, it’ll just keep happening.

It’s all kind of abstract, but I’m on the right track. The other day I wrote seven songs. That’s more than I’ve written in the last few months, which is abnormal for me. Full lyrics and concepts, not just a couple of lines jotted down at work and never expanded. I am focused on the future, but first I need to revisit the past. I need to revisit my failures, my shortcomings, my emptiness, and truly see and convince myself that the fear and hurt of taking chances and failing is nothing compared to the devastation of unspoken words, regrets and loneliness. I want to keep myself away from everyone I can, so that there are no more distractions, and no more new situations for me to fuck up. No more new people to fail to impress the first time. I haven’t been checking my phone or email, other than to see if Matt has tried to contact me, since he’s driving out here in a week or two to sign papers to go to school here. It’s nice in a way. There’s usually always something going on, and I’m at the epicenter of it because I am the common thread that binds everyone together. I feel relaxed, less stressed, not as distracted. Those missed texts and calls can wait.

Hopefully this will all lead to something much-needed. I merely know I don’t want to keep living regretting every day, and if I’m ever to get to where I want to be, I need to be stronger and more confident. We’ll see.