Something in the Way

 Every time I come to write an entry here, I can’t think of anything. My mind feels empty. I feel no inclination. It feels like an obligation. Don’t worry though, everything feels like that these days.

Work is back to normal, and while I’m not getting enough hours, I’m getting enough to be too lazy to look for a night job. The others are always stressing about things…I don’t. What’s the point? Things get done, even if not perfectly or on time.

I really feel like I’m floating through life listlessly lately. Everything is just…whatever. I’ve said for a while that I don’t really feel anything, and while that’s most likely always been an exaggeration, it gets closer and closer to truth. I just don’t care about things. I’m not apathetic so much as just…empty. At first, this was desirable. I disliked being dependent on others and not having things work out romantically, so I wanted to not be bothered by that stuff. And it worked, at some point it must have gone to an agreeable level. I’ve made no efforts to curb my detachment, I’ve allowed it to go where it will. It’s not a problem yet…but I imagine at some point it will be. Maybe it will cost me a relationship, or a friendship, or even a job opportunity or something like that, I don’t know. I feel like it may be affecting me creatively already. I just don’t write songs at all anymore, lately. It’s rare to even jot down a line or two. Nothing comes to mind. Nothings comes to mind for articles or videos for my site, either. I’m just, yeah, empty. As always, I compare myself to Dexter Morgan, minus the serial killer stuff. I need to get back to watching that show…Anyway, I don’t know. It’s a weird place to be in. I’m not so sure I’m in a place of strength, just isolation. The drama, the rises and falls of others do not affect me. I listen less and give scarcely any advice. The moods of others rarely affect me. I feel little inclination to keep in touch with friends and family unless I see them every day. Not a lack of desire to as much as, well, no desire to. If it came up I would do it but I don’t even think about it most of the time. 

I also wonder if I’m losing my motivation because of it. I’ve been walking to work, so that’s kind of a reason to work out less, but I haven’t been doing it at all. Bass practicing has also dropped off, as well as studying Japanese. Pretty much everything productive. I work, I come home, I do whatever, I sleep…repeat. Life has become sterile and predictable. I still hang out with friends and talk to people at work, but…I don’t know. Perhaps this is a phase that will pass. Life is full of phases, and changes. I felt like for a time I had properly defined myself, and enjoyed who I was(other than lack of fame and success and other things that cause self-disdain), but I seem to be losing that. Almost like I’m losing myself within myself, so to speak. I suppose I need to assess whether or not I want this to continue, and if not, then find a way to stop it. I’m also not sure where I’d go from there. I’ve worked so hard to isolate myself from other people, perhaps not in habit so much as mentality…I’ve made every excuse to separate myself from other people. Being straightedge for a year was a big part of that. I haven’t felt an inclination to go back to that, though I drink infrequently. I guess it’s served the purpose it was meant to. It’s just so…weird. I’m having a quiet crisis that I feel no one can relate to. I can’t even relate to it. It’s new territory, yet self-caused. I deserve no pity or outside intervention. It’s something I have to figure out myself, for myself.

Hmm, notable events of the past month…

-Car is relatively dead as I said, in addition to overheating and stuff it was randomly shutting off while I was driving, so I haven’t used it in a while. I need to call and cancel my car insurance until it’s fixed again. I do need it for my demo this weekend though, hopefully it’s up for it.

-Went to a "party" that some co-workers were at last week. Nothing crazy, there were 9 or 10 people there. Played some beer pong, lost horribly. Apparently I was quite drunk, but I didn’t feel super drunk and did nothing crazy. It was ok.

-Got a new phone! It came in yesterday, I’m still figuring out how to use it and I don’t even have all my contacts transferred over to it yet. It’s a Samsung Focus, so it’s a smartphone with a decent-ish camera and a touchscreen and all that crazy jazz. I used the old one for two and a half years, and it was quite limited, plus my plan sucked. I’m on a friend’s plan now, so I’m paying less for a much better phone on a plan with internet and more calling options. Sweet!

Umm…that’s all for now. Maybe I should just jot done notes when I think of them. I procrastinate and then all of a sudden it’s been a month since I’ve updated this thing. It feels daunting, and I can’t remember most of what’s happened since the last entry. Add it to the list of bad habits I suppose.