Diametrically Opposed

 I’m annoyed right now. It’s kind of funny that this has spurred me to write an entry. I’ve been meaning to write. To stay constant, because I like to, I like reading entries, and being on this site. Some people only write when they feel the urge, when they need to vent. Is that how it is with me? I won’t do something unless I absolutely have to or because I’m spited, and not because I should be doing it? Ehh.

Backstory. I had mentioned that I had a date last Tuesday. So, it happened. Not at all like it was planned but it happened. We were supposed to go to mini golf and sushi. It was raining, so no mini golf. Also, my car broke down when I was almost to her house, so no sushi. And  her "family" had to come pick me up. They’re really cool. I just hung out at her place, had dinner there too, and the dad figure of the house looked at my car, and we even talked about Magic cards and stuff. Nerdy! Anyway, I had fun. She did too. We hung out again on Thursday, played mini golf, watched Scott Pilgrim here, then hung out at her house. More hanging out on Tuesday. And we’ve been talking pretty much every day through text. I don’t like her, I won’t allow myself to like anyone that easily. I really like being around her. she has similar interests and a similar personality. There are some sticking points; no car, no job, and she’s a lot bigger than her pictures on myyearbook would indicate, though she is cute. Nothing that would stop me from hanging out with her, and things I suppose I would want changed if we were to ever be in a relationship. Shallow, but that’s how it is, I’m sure she’d have her own list.

We were supposed to hang out today, we were going to see a movie and I guess her sister wanted me to meet her or something. She is super sarcastic, as am I, moreso with her than most other people. I made a joke, like usual, and I assume because of that her next text was saying she wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me. I said I was sorry if I offended her and she said that she was still on the fence. Like, how does that happen? I don’t get it. As in, I literally can’t understand.

And that’s the problem. I don’t get people. I can’t relate to their logic, their rational, their feelings. That’s why I am the way I am, that’s why I changed myself to be more logical than emotional. In my life, generally, logic works well. With people, there is little logic. There are feelings, so unpredictable and so easily changed, or hurt. Already my opinion on her is changing, so perhaps I’m more like her than I would admit. If she called me and said she still wanted to hang out, I don’t think I would want to. I’m put off by it. I feel like I am diametrically opposed to most people. You can enjoy doing similar things, you can act similarly in most situations, but ultimately there is a difference that will always be made obvious when it matters. 

I have no plans today. I’ve kind of been bumming around until she was ready to hang out. That never happens, I always have backup plans, because of things like this. I can’t assume or expect failure, but I can prepare for it, so I generally do. I’m annoyed at myself as much as her for letting my guard down. While relatively minor in the scheme of things, I can’t help but feel this is an irrepairable crack in the facade of our, well, whatever we have. Our correspondence. I have been trying harder than usual, looking past things, not saying anything if something annoyed me. Like, you know, putting effort in. Perhaps she has too, but if it really takes one stupid, worthless, but also harmless joke to turn her mood around, why would I want to hang out with someone like that? That makes her just like everyone else, all these people I tell myself I am opposed to.

In other news, my car is not doing so well. Originally I thought it was the oil pan, since it was leaking oil like a mofo, but it’s definitely the radiator or something more, as now the coolant has to be refilled every time I drive, the oil is full, and it’s overheated a couple times. So that’s pretty stressful, when combined with my tax returns, since instead of getting like a thousand bucks back or whatever, I actually owe about 800 so far. There’s no doubt that I need to get a third job once again, and just work nights and weekends. 

Perhaps that’s what I need. Lately I have felt…emptier than usual. No motivation. I’ve realized I am in stasis, and not growing as a person. Things I should be doing…I am not doing, with no personal explanation as to why. I’m not self-improving. I shouldn’t need a trigger, or motivation, it should just happen. There’s chaos going on in my own little world and I don’t have a theory for it. I don’t feel the hopelessness I used to feel when I’d be in a rut, but I still feel frustrated, and know that I’m wasting time.