Maintenance

 I got promoted at work. Kind of. I’m on the Door to Floor team, which processes freight and puts stuff out. I guess whoever on the Pricing team, probably the supervisor, was impressed with my work, and they had an opening, so they requested me. I can sense the resentment. People joke, but you can tell the truth hiding behind. I understand, I’ve been that person. Some of them have been there 2 years, and I was saw fit to move on to something better after 2 weeks. That’s how it goes. The pay is the same, and I still have to work at 6 in the morning, but supposedly there are more hours in Pricing, which is amazing. I’m definitely hurting right now, and I might scoop up a third job anyway, since my demo job hasn’t given me anything since 2010, but if I can get at least 30 hours a week, that would be enough and a little extra when combined with plasma. Then when summer hits, my nights could be devoted to school and my mornings to work. I would like that. It should be interesting. The former supervisor of my current team is an associate of my new team, apparently she wasn’t very good and the current supervisor has done way better. As long as the new supervisor is cool, that’s all I care about. I’m used to working with bitter people.

Speaking of bitter, that girl that I was interested in apparently isn’t single now. Perhaps I wasn’t aggressive enough. My attempts were met with, well, nothing. Nothingness. I don’t understand. Whenever I say "yeah, this is it, time to not be single anymore!", I see the world with its inhabitants and their same fatal flaws. Fatal for me. Inconsistency. Dishonesty. Indecisiveness. I’m not worried about being hurt. I’ve removed my feelings. I just don’t want to be led on for nothing. And that’s what happens each and every time. Also, I’m really broke right now. So I’m done looking(again) for the moment.

I tried to have another hangout/Magic event last night. Not even half of the group showed up, again. I’m not perfect, and I hate myself for not being all I could be, but I’m not the problem. It’s everyone else. I have taken every measure necessary, with women and with friends in general, to make myself reliable, presentable, rational, and, well, awesome. I don’t cause drama. I’m not an enabler and I don’t seek to be enabled in bad habits. If I say I’ll do something or be somewhere, I do it even if I don’t really want to. I break down walls. I mend fences. I repair bridges. I control myself as necessary to the situation. For the greater good. And…no one else does. You can’t 100% rely on someone who isn’t you. Period. I don’t care if you are an outcast, or someone who is blackmailing someone, or you’ve been married to someone flawlessly for 40 years. People have their own minds, and their own whims, and will do whatever they want, even if it’s going against their word, even if it’s not what seems best for them. Damn them. They’re not me. That’s simultaneously the best and worst thing about them. So I always follow Rules 1 and 2, don’t rely on anyone, and always be prepared. It’s…annoying, for sure, but it limits the burn.

Still haven’t called my mom. My procrastination is getting worse. Ugh.

Nothing else of note. Time is a river, eroding all in its path. Already a month has gone by since I last really thought about time. It’s scary as hell. I’ll be 24 in a month and a half. I can always hear that clock ticking behind me. I’m getting older. Closer to death. So is everyone else around me. It’s natural, it’s nothing I can stop, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever enjoy it, or accept it, or be able to not think about it at night.

I’ve started legitimately working out again since my shoulder is better now. I’m not progressing enough. I’m not playing bass, because I don’t have one to use at the moment. I should have one. I’m not messing with music programs like I could be, or making things for my site. I have grandoise dreams and rant about self-improvement but I’m the worst offender of hypocrisy. I’m not sure what the answer is at this point. I feel like masochism might help. Suffering. Like when you work out, and then you hurt afterward. It’s a good hurt, because it’s a sign of progress. I need to inflict that pain in all areas of my life. Metaphorically speaking of course.