Beside You in Time

 It’s so weird to be home making lunch at noon, already done with work for the day. I like it. Having to go to bed early is most definitely not fun, but today was also more boring because I was following someone around, scanning things, and waiting for them to put away the clothing. When I’m doing it all myself it will be easier. I have some errands to run that I’m putting off…once I take care of those, what would I do with my day? If I were in school or had a night job that wouldn’t be so bad. Otherwise, I have nothing specific going on, and pretty much everyone that is even slightly reliable for hanging out is at either school or work. It’s tempting to just sit around and play video games, and I’ll do that occasionally I’m sure, but that’s not productive.

Working out would be good, but my shoulder still hurts. It was down into my arm a bit before, but now the pain is all in the ball of my shoulder. A noter said it might be the rotator cuff, which sounds about right from what little I know about such things. I’ll give it another week. If it doesn’t improve, I’ll just start working out again. I can’t afford to go get it looked at, let alone fixed.

I could play bass, and should have been doing that…I can’t at the moment though, my buddy who I was borrowing it from needed it back. Rightfully so. I’m sure he’ll be done using it soon. Regardless, I should probably buy one with my taxes, in addition to a bass amp and tuner.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m really living. Like if I’m missing out on what life is all about. I am calm, rational. I rely only on myself emotionally, and only my roommate financially, since, y’know, he pays half of the bills. I once was a very emotive, emotion-driven person, and that didn’t seem to work out too well. I look at the people around me, especially those in relationships or even licking their past wounds. They seem so miserable most of the time, but there is a counterbalance somewhere. Negativity is a much bigger precedent than positivity. If someone has a bad experience at a restaurant or store, they tell far more people than if they have a good experience. People complain about things more often than they praise them. News stations report far more negative stories than positive ones. It just seems so…stupid, even if I’m equally as guilty. At least I don’t let it run my life. Should I though? Is usual misery augmented by occasional bliss what life is actually about? If it is, I’m missing out. I am a cold outsider standing in the dark. I don’t feel the warmth of love, but I’m also not burned by it. I wonder if I will assimilate later on, or if I’ll always be like this. Even before I destroyed most of my emotions I felt naive and on a different plane than everyone else.

I feel like I might approach things differently, if only to see where it takes me. I might cool my jets on hosting events and trying to unify my friends with the common goals of hanging out and having fun; putting in all the effort. I’m kind of burned out. Even with things like that I’m more ambitious than anyone else. Let them make the effort, or at least ask me to for once. Instead of giving up with Kaitlyn since it’s a dead end, I think I might just keep bothering her until she truly ignores me or gets angry and tells me to stop. Instead of worrying about things and trying to find solutions(when it comes to people), maybe I’ll let time decide things. Or act without worrying about the consequence. I just feel like I should shake it up a bit. Maybe that’s the next step in my personal development.

I like the stupid ipod quiz. I might do another one, but non-random, with stuff from some of my most-listened to songs instead. It would be more fun seeing if anyone knows those ones.