Crux

 I somehow injured my shoulder. Probably from doing dips; there’s a thing for dips in the entrance of the hallway with the bathroom and bedrooms, so the roomie and I do a couple dips on each pass through, which is helpful since I haven’t had a lot of time to work out lately. I don’t know if I pulled something, but that seems like the most likely culprit. It’s possible it’s my neck and not my shoulder, but it’s only on my left side. Needless to say it sucks. It made work today un-fun, and the pain has grown to a point where it is always passively hurting, and not just hurting when I strain or stretch it in certain positions. I can’t sleep because of the pain, even though I’m really tired.

Today was the last day for our Toys R Us store. We worked from 630-410 with barely any breaks. The company is very disorganized, or at least they didn’t give a shit about our store; everything was far more difficult than it should have been. We didn’t even have a pallet jack until the second truck arrived. Also, we have pretty much the worst position in the mall, with some stupidly small hallway going to the back hall where you can get to the freight elevator. We were able to move stuff easily early on before the mall opened, but after that it was just the stupid hallway, so we had to carry stuff out there before we put it on palettes, since they wouldn’t fit through our hallway. The store is also on the second floor; I feel like I legitimately went up and down that elevator 100 times today. I’ll miss working there to an extent; my co-workers were really cool and it was stupidly easy, even if my hours and pay sucked.

Portland was still a possibility, but it seems it’s been delayed a weekend now. I don’t expect it to happen. It would be nice, but then again I’m pretty broke right now, so that’s definitely money I don’t need to spend.

I have given up on Kaitlyn. I’ll keep texting her, but I now expect nothing. Despite all my advancements as an individual, I feel like I know less and less about other people. I don’t understand why they do, or don’t do, things the way they do. If you have a fucking profile on a dating site that says you’re actively seeking a relationship…why wouldn’t you want to, you know, get to know the person? I always run into this problem with women that I’m interested in. No consistency. I always end up disappointed and feel strung along. I honestly don’t see the point for the other person. If you want to get your jollies off on someone else’s misery, well, at least get involved enough to be personal enough to be able to wound them. Perhaps she really is that forgetful, or shy or something, but I no longer care. That’s my other beef with women. Why am I the one who always has to impress others? I have to make 100% of the effort 100% of the time generally speaking. And yet nothing will happen if I don’t try. It doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to, but it’s still extremely frustrating. It’s not that I have trust issues with people hurting me or whatever; I have trust issues with them meaning what they say. It’s the same with my friends generally, though I’ve gotten to the point where it doesn’t bother me when plans fall through, and I somewhat come to expect it.

When I think about her, I can’t even see her clearly, based on her pictures…it always looks like someone else. Someone from long ago. Maybe that’s why I’ve been son interested. In her I seem to see another person, someone who used to be very important…but that was long ago. There is no future in the past. Really, I should avoid any links to the past. Still, I’ve had my chances at love you could say. I messed things up with that person long ago, and I’ve made more mistakes along the way. I’ve also tried to come close but had fate interfere. I honestly feel like I am cursed to be alone forever. Not only because I don’t really feel anything, but because I’ll never understand people, and never be able to connect in the right way. Clearly, something is missing that scares others away…until I find that, I will be cursed.

I think I might just keep to myself this weekend. It’s hard to focus on anything with my shoulder hurting. I was invited out to the bar by a couple friends, so I went, but I ducked out after a few. I was tired, I felt antisocial, and there was a little bit of external bullshit anyway. Plus, I felt like I didn’t need to be there, I didn’t have anything to add to the conversation anyway. I find myself wanting to separate from others again lately, and cut any insignificant bonds, like drinking…perhaps a return to being straightedge is in my future. Even when surrounded by others, I am always alone; it makes sense to do what it takes to be alone and strong. I know I can’t rely on others to be there when it counts, or even when it doesn’t, and every time I lower my guard, I end up disappointed. I was on the right path; being social, and accepting the formalities, enjoying things when they happened, but not being disappointed when they didn’t, even making other plans to look forward to in the event of the original plans not happening. At the crux, the core of everything, I don’t have faith in others. I haven’t felt them to be sincere for a long time, and it’s caused problems in the past. It’s why I am like I am today. It’s something that will continue to bother me until I can turn it into a strength.