Leave the Past Behind

 People make resolutions for each new passing year, and they vow to change and improve. How much really changes though? They repeat the same mistakes, and make marginal improvements at best, mired in the past. I have no resolutions, just overall goals that I’ve had since before 2011, but that’s one thing I will definitely focus on – not letting the past weigh me down.

I used to be fairly sentimental, and I think that cost me emotionally in the past. I’ve realized that simply because someone was in your past doesn’t mean they need to be in your future, especially if they’re contributing nothing in the present. Believe me, it took a long, long time to really heed that notion. I feel I’m much better at accepting things, letting go of idealism, letting go of people, and creating my own closure. I feel like I understand more why people burn photographs. I always thought it was foolish, but I suppose sometimes small things like that help. Getting rid of any links to a section of your past that you wish to not relive in the future is the closest you can come to creating your own closure.

Things with my buddies from Michigan weren’t working out, and I felt kind of guilty, like I needed to make things work. Maybe I’ll still associate with them, but that’s it. They’re no longer a part of the group of friends that I’ve assembled. One has been creeping out generally taken female friends, and the other is annoying pretty much everyone else. I figured they had improved in the two years since I had seen them and they hadn’t. Even if they had, it may not have mattered. I feel like I’m at a point where I only want certain people around me. If they bring a positive energy to the group, or at least have good intentions to improve, that’s completely fine. If they are bogging things down, or simply not trying at all to be conducive to everyone enjoying themselves and being comfortable, I no longer feel an obligation to lower the standard to their level. For one, it shouldn’t have to happen, for two the standard is meant to be lowered until they improve and rise to the level of everyone else, which generally doesn’t happen.

I’m not really sure what to do about my family. I haven’t talked to them in weeks. Family is an abstract concept at this point. I really am emotionally numb for the most part these days, but talking to them is always a sad experience. I almost always feel depressed hearing about how poorly things are going in Michigan. It’s not like I’m going to stop talking to my family, but I won’t feel quite as bad about it. Things have disintegrated, and there’s nothing I can do about it from here. 

I got a job at JC Penney, so my financial woes are hopefully taken care of. I start on the 10th, unloading freight and merchandising what we receive early in the morning. I am horrible about getting up early, but it sounds really fast-paced, and being done with work by 2 or 3 and having the rest of the day free is pretty cool. It’s only part-time, but combined with donating plasma and doing occasionally weekend demo jobs it should be enough. It’s only Mon, Wed, and Fri, so it works out perfectly. Plus, once I do have some money, with a mostly-set schedule like that it makes it easier to plan for going back to school or doing cool random things like getting back into martial arts.I also didn’t get hired in at minimum wage, which was a pleasant surprise. I have a week or two of Toys R Us left, this week I don’t work until…Saturday. And the last I worked was Friday, so I literally have a whole week off. It’s weird. I need to find something to do in that time that’s productive.

New Year’s Eve was fun, even if the turnout was disappointingly small. I’ve gotten used to it. I’d say about 1/3 of the people I invite show up to any event, so it ends up having a comfortable feel, plus most of my favorite people are usually present. Thankfully other people supplied the alcohol and food too, I’m kind of broke right now and I usually supply most of the sundries.

It’s a new year, but nothing changes. I want to be better, stronger, more capable than I was before, I need to take working out more seriously, which I have been so far, and playing bass too, which I haven’t. Plus I really need to be consistent on putting out content for my site. And I want to find a girlfriend at some point, or at least date. I quickly got over my last crush, so I suppose it’s time to go fishing. 

Here’s hoping your new year is going well, but remember: you don’t need it to be a new year to want to improve your life. 2011 is just a number.