Heart of Darkness

Cool, there’s pornspam messages on OD. Or at least, I’m getting such notes. Kind of surprised it took that long.

I worked all day Friday and Saturday, doing my demo job and then work at Toys R Us. Considering that was my only work for the week, I can’t complain too much. Next week I only work at Toys Tuesday and Friday, so that’ll give me plenty of time to fill out apps, relax, and hopefully go to some interviews. Plus now I have an obscene amount of meatballs, chili/cranberry sauce and forks, perfect for my upcoming parties.

I hate this whole liking someone thing. I got used to not having it, I don’t really want to get used to it again. I swear, if it were any other person, I wouldn’t allow myself to let the possibility remain. This girl is pretty much perfect though, I mean for me. I’m sure most guys would find her weird or get bored because she won’t have sex right away, or probably for a long time. It’s especially annoying considering I haven’t been around her much, and I don’t even really talk to her online. I’ve only felt this certainly about one person before, and that was eight years ago. That situation didn’t go so well, ultimately due to me freaking out. I’m the complete opposite now; I don’t have the capacity to freak out or become overly emotional. I feel like if this doesn’t work out and she doesn’t want to date, I will never find another person that I 100% respect and adore. I’ll never find another person that I can’t find a single fault that I can’t overlook. And that sucks to think about, but at the same time it would be kind of freeing. There are some other fish in the sea I could probably be trying to get close to, but I’ve been holding off in case current like interest is, well, interested. If it fails, I can lower my standards, and find someone to date for something to do, instead of hoping to be in a relationship with someone. Being at this place like I was back then makes me feel naive and intrigued like I was back then. That’s not really me, or at least not what I’ve been turning into.

It’s almost the end of the year, so it’s not surprising I find myself comparing things to how they were in the beginning of the year. A year is a defined period of time; it’s no certain measure for change, but I don’t know what else to go off of readily. I’m a lot stronger now…perhaps not "stronger", but more certain. I’m more confident. I feel like I keep better company. I’m making my own path, with no certain overhead goal or destination to smother me. I’ve mostly completed the change I initiated in myself last year. I really can barely feel. It still hasn’t hit me that my grandpa died, and that was well over a month ago. My family is disintegrating back home, and that isn’t really getting through to me either. I’m just numb. Numb like I wanted to be. If Boh doesn’t want to date me, I can let the remaining feelings go. In 2011, I’ll get ahead by learning to use this newfound numbness as a strength. As an agent to dissolve my inhibitions, and as a gateway to another persona that will inspire me and my music.

I’ve been making the rounds with applications, and even compared to August when I was applying everywhere, I feel more established and confident.I don’t really have a stable financial setup at the moment, but that doesn’t bother me. I feel I can get what I want, and I know if I can’t I can find something to get me by for the moment. I went to a temp. place I applied at earlier and did the rest of their tests. They were awed by me. My scores were far higher than the averages. And it’s no surprise. The standards there are pretty low. It’s not like there’s anything overly special about me, I’m intelligent and competent. Still, it boosts my self-esteem. I have an interview at Wells Fargo on the 28th for a teller position, which I would love to get. Clearwire wants to interview me but I don’t really want to do outbound sales. Foolish insurance place sent me another email as well. I just want a job/jobs to get me by financially, give me a little bit to save up, and then to leave me with enough free time to enjoy life and practice bettering myself. I don’t want to be a working stiff working 50-60 hours a week and not feeling like I’m getting anywhere anymore. It’s not worth it.

Today should be the last day for my friends that are staying here. I realize they might not be able to get into an apartment today, but they knew well ahead of time the deadline and only recently seriously started to make attempts to move out. They can get a hotel room for a day or two or get a weekly apartment for a week if they have to. I can’t let them stay here another day or two, because that will turn into a week or two, then a month or two. I just want my place back.