I’m no one’s favorite.
This is going to be dramatic. But it’s going to be truthful. It’s going to start with small me. I was a little girl once and I wanted a very best friend. I wanted a sister who was around my age to be my best friend. I didn’t get that. I got a 12 year old age gap sibling that mostly judged all I did because she was never in the same stage of life as I was.
In elementary school, I would try and claim friends with necklaces. Some sort of best friend item to show, hey, this here is my best friend and I am their best friend. And no one else can have them.
I did that with one best friend from 1st-5th and she decided not be my friend anymore in middle school. That was nothing short of devastating.
I wanted a best friend who I would be super important to and be a maid of honor type thing and be like hey, this person literally likes me more than all of you. Like a competition, apparently.
And I guess you get that in a husband. He liked me more than all of the other options. But it isn’t the same as what I’m talking about.
I never seemed to make friends very easily after high school. It is hard. I just felt like I wasn’t likable. I would be on soccer teams and the girls would go out and party together and I never connected with any of them really well. I began to believe I could not make friends and that old must have bad traits.
At my current work, I’ve hardly made any friends. I don’t get it.
It never crossed my mind that when I had a baby, my child would prefer my husband over me. After all, I’m mom. I am the one that gets him to sleep. I birthed him. I stayed up late. I sacrificed everything. And he doesn’t want me. It’s soul crushing and I didn’t realize why. It’s triggering my childhood. My inability to make friends. My inability to be anyone’s favorite person. My inability to be likable. I am no one’s person besides my husband, but I’m irritated at him because our son likes him more and it’s a phase. I know. Or maybe it isn’t and I’ll always just be some person who is required to feed and care for our son, but he won’t like me. Maybe I’m not maternal. Maybe I don’t have the skills.
I am feeling lots of things about it.
Most of my friends or family members are or were the favorite parent so they didn’t go through it.
I’ve recognized me feelings. They’re there and they’re heavy. I’ll now work to move on from them. They had to be written so I can try to let them go.
That’s it.
I get this completely.
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Wo.
You are my favorite person. You are the person I want to tell things to when they happen and I am always happy when I get to hear from you.
Your feelings are valid. But you are someone’s favorite person. And that someone is me.
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I feel the same way and I won’t invalidate your feelings. I don’t get calls, or first invites. I’m never asked to take a pic but I’ll be asked to take the picture. I’m always an after thought, nobody really knows my birthday. They might sorta remember the month, but never bothered to remember the actual date and surprise me with a ballon or anything. If I’m asked to do something it’s probably because they need it to be cheaper as a group rate. I’m fun, I’m not a buzz kill, I’m not a cheap person, I go above and beyond for anybody in my circle. I held on to a toxic best friendship for years because I knew I wouldn’t have anybody really after that. The girl was awful to me at times but she called me first, she invited me first. I was her person and I felt that. So it was devastating to have to let her go.
@jessicab I understand and empathize with all you have said. Thanks for stopping by to make me feel less alone.
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