No title good enough

Hmmmm, where to start? I’ve been trying to sit down at my computer uninterrupted for days, but being that I have both a baby and a husband that demand that all my free time go to them, it makes it difficult. Not that I don’t love spending all my time with them, especially Abigail, but Thomas kinda gets cranky when I try to go to bed early. Since we both work different schedules, he really wants to spend all his waking time with me that he can. He loves me, a little bossy, but he loves me just the same.
 
I’ve been thinking a lot about my, our future lately. When children were first discussed, we both agreed that we wanted 2 kids, about 5-6 years apart. We’d have the first, my little abby wabby as soon as possible, and then get our lives situated and if it was physically possible and have another child when Abigail starts school. Real school, not preschool, so when she was 5 or so. Now I want to have as many as possible. Who knows if I’ll change my mind again, but I doubt I will. I know she’s only 2 months old, but she’s already grown so much. She’s sitting up by herself with almost no support, cooing and trying to reach for our popcorn as we pop it into our mouths. I’m going to start her on baby food as soon as she can sit unassisted, without a pillow behind her. I get sad when I think about not holding a baby in my arms. Thomas says having children when we are young will ensure we can still do things in life later.  That we can enjoy our “golden years” without worrying about shopping for prom attire, but what’s more funs watching a child smile up at you, knowing that for at least a small time you are its whole world. I’ve always wanted to be a mommy, even when I was a little girl. I used to think about going back to school, becoming a lawyer maybe, fight for women’s rights and injustices everywhere. Now I have no bigger ambitions then to see my still unborn children succeed.  And that to me is a Wonderful ambition.
 
I’m also worried about me being able to have more children. I had to miscarriages before Abigail, and my body is acting up again. I feel myself getting sick. I also have another great fear. The second miscarriage was only labeled so because of my HCG levels. Those are the hormone a woman puts out when she’s pregnant, and it comes from her ovaries I believe. There was no embriotic sac ever found, and we did tests every 3 days for over a month and a half period. I went into the doctor for some weird bleeding and my stomach being all funny in August, I think the second week or so, and they gave me a shot to try to fix everything the 27th of September. Well, elevated HCG levels without them being too high, with a steady level I guess you could say is also a symptom of cervical cancer. I wasn’t that worried then, but the doctor told me I have a cyst on my left ovary he saw during the c-section. Again, not too worried, since I’ve had endometriosis since puberty hit, and I knew I wasn’t lucky enough to have the pregnancy make it go away like it could/should. I don’t think I have cancer, since I spent a week in the hospital last month, and even though an ultra sound wasn’t performed, I’m sure if something bad other then what I was there for was going on, it would have been found. But I’ve been having abdominal pain in the left side, right around where that ovary is. And I’ve started to bleed funny again. I can’t be pregnant this time, because they put an IUD in after the baby was born. So I’m just worried. For no good reason I’m sure, since it doesn’t hurt that bad, and not all the time, but still. And we won’t have insurance for almost 3 months. 
 
Female cancers run very stong in my family, both sides. One of my aunts died just shortly after she had a child. A few months after her baby was born, she went to the doctor to say that she was overly tired, feeling like she had a flu, and that her breasts were very tender. He said she just had a baby and too sleep more. She died of breast cancer 13 months later. 
 
I’m grateful that Abigail has such a wonderful father,   No matter what happens, he will take care of her, and love and just…I don’t know, but he loves her more then anything. We got in an argument before she was born, about if something terrible happened, and he had to choose between me or her, I wanted him to pick her. He refused. But now he would, in the future. 
 
I want to have children so badly. Is it selfish to want more of something you already have.  Shouldn’t I just be satisfied with the wonderful gift god and modern medicine has bestowed upon me? Abigail is so beautiful, and I love her so much. I can’t wait to get our own house, so she can have her own room. To watch her personality grow. She’s perfect, and I want more utopia in my life, ya know. You know, I know you do. Speaking of which, she’s yelling my name.