To have a Baby… Or not…

I grew up in my young years wanting to be a parent. I am very fortunate to have two awesome parents who encouraged me to be the best at what ever I chose. Not saying we had a perfect relationship, but I definitely had the cool parents in my group of friends. Then I babysat for a year before I could get a real taxable job… That job was so horrible it lead me to saying I don’t want kids from the age of 12! I have kept to that as well through my relationships! It was a breaking point for one, he tried to manipulate me into having a baby because we had to take into account what HIS AND MY PARENTS WANTED! I’ll write on that another time, it gets stupid intense.

So anyway, I have been saying to everyone, family, friends, boyfriends, that I don’t want to have any kids. Well my amazing Fiance W came into the picture with his pretty awesome son L. They are not perfect by any means, and I can see some major problems surfacing with behavior patterns from L. But I love them both so much, and recently, I have had the thought in my head that I want a baby with this man. It is baffling to me that this could change in a couple short years. But W is an awesome father and amazing man, I don’t fear anything (outside of labor) from having a baby with him. He supports me and doesn’t let L walk all over me (Like L’s does to his mom).

I haven’t said anything to W yet though.

We are still engaged and can’t live together right now as I need space for my horses, his house is to small additionally for two more dogs, four cats, a gecko, and a rat. So for now we are house hunting to find something that works. Also in the middle of this Covid-19 crazy stuff this isn’t really the time to be thinking about bringing a baby into this world.

I am sure he will be happy. He has mentioned before that he would love more kids, but he also understands that L may be his only one. I just want the time to be right and make sure I have fully thought this through and committed to it before I tell him. I also want to go to the OB/GYN to see if I am healthy enough to have and carry a baby. Then I also fear our ages and me taking forever to conceive. I am 29 in a few days and he is 36. We aren’t old by any means, my sister just had TWO baby girls at 40 and 42. But also it took my parents 10 years to get pregnant with me, and my doctor told my mom it probably wouldn’t happen. She had no underlying health issues that I know of at the time and she was in decent shape. Not ripped but also not obese. I on the other hand am obese… So I am scared that I will only have a small window to conceive… I would hate to say “Lets have a baby” Then not be able to have one.

I’m scared is what it comes down to. Scared to get pregnant. Scared to NOT get pregnant. Scared of labor. Scared of caring for a baby. Scared of the effect it will have on my career… It is a big decision… And I don’t know when the right time to jump one way or the other is…