I Didn’t Think Rock Bottom Would Hurt So Much…

I hate myself most days. Not as a person, but my body, my image… I don’t think anyone quite understands how deep of a loathing I have for how I look. I can’t look at myself in the mirror after I get out of a shower. If I feel anything against my stomach too tightly I can’t wear it. I can hardly stand letting my fiance hold me if his hand is near a roll. I am 5’10”, almost 300 pounds, and today I hit my rock bottom.

I have ride horses. Today was no saddle Saturday as I am getting back into riding shape after losing my heart horse a couple years ago. I previously damaged my left knee in high school so I knew I had to mount from the off side (right side, usually you mount from the left). So I went to mount up, and as I pressed off I felt and heard my right knee crack. I may have just sprained, or tore my right knee. My good knee. All because I am too overweight for my joints to handle the additional pressure of jumping a tiny bit.

I am only 28 (29 in a few days!). Engaged to an amazing man who has an amazing son who is 7. I want to feel beautiful for the first time in my life on our wedding day. I want to have a baby. I want to be able to play and roughhouse with my step son. I want to backpack in the Adirondacks. I want to ride my new horse! I need to take this hit and rise up to who I know I can be.

I have dieted in the past and failed. Lost some weight then fell of the wagon HARD and stayed off. I can’t do that again. I may fall but I have to get back up. Permanent failure is not an option anymore. Don’t get me wrong I am not expecting to look like the tight and toned fitness models who have probably been fit and in shape their whole life. I am expecting droopy skin, rolls, some fat in my belly and my thighs. But i need t be healthier, fitter, and happier with my body. I can’t live with this dark cloud of hatred over my head anymore.

So I guess this is my first entry to try and keep this going and keep me accountable. I am researching some healthy meals and started cutting out a few things at a time. I can’t go cold turkey because that is how I failed before. But I can cut down to one cup of coffee a day and replacing the rest with water or ow calorie drinks. I can still get my ice cream but I need to get a smaller size with no toppings. I can have a cheat meal or two a week, but I can’t gorge myself, I need to keep it to a small portion.

Once my knee is healed enough I can do low impact exercise to start. Walking, biking on flat roads, swimming. Hell there are exercises you can do in chairs! With everything closed down and myself out of work I know it will be difficult at times and the change will be hard. But I can do this, I can’t give myself the option not to.

FEAR can mean Forget Everything And Run

Face Everything And Rise

I will choose to rise.