I’m Kind Of Attached To My Uterus & Ovaries

I went to the clinic on Thursday because the night before I bled during sex… again.  I’ve also been bleeding between periods, which is a newer development than the blood during sex one.  I first started having issues a couple of months ago, and I’ve been to the clinic at least 2 or 3 times for this issue by now – they’ve done my Pap, they’ve taken samples, and one time they took 4 vials of my blood.  I know it’s not an STD/STI because they’ve tested for everything they can test for – the appointment on Thursday ended up being an appointment for me to see the Head Nurse Practitioner next week, and from there I might be seeing a specialist and/or getting an ultrasound.

I asked the nurse what it could be since I’m pretty freaked out by all of this – she tried to make me feel better with "It could just be a cyst or fibroids."  I asked if those are serious.issues, which she answered with, "They’re usually treatable," – NOT the right answer.  Because that means that sometimes they aren’t.

I decided to do some research and with the help of Google I learned that uterine cysts and uterine fibroids can be a really minor thing – the kind of thing you can either leave alone or take medication for.  Pretty basic, sure.

But… in worse case scenarios they recommend a full hysterectomy or at least some minor surgery.  Good lord!  It’s the kind of thing that can mean that you can never have kids.

Now, I’ve never wanted kids.  In fact, I’ve expressly said that I will never have children – or conceded as far as to say that I will probably never have children and that it would be really really bad if I did.  I can be really bad at putting other people’s needs ahead of my own.  But what if I ever changed my mind about this and then I couldn’t actually have the kids?  It’s the idea of losing an option that upsets me.

There’s also something so symbolic about being able to give life – and the possibility of losing that for health reasons.  It also just really bothers me to have anything wrong with my sexual/reproductive organs – that’s too fucking symbolic on its own for my liking.

Now I’m just relieved that I recently bought another one-month yoga pass and that I’m getting my tattoo done in under 2 weeks.  It’ll look something like this:

SINNERS MAKE
THE BEST
SAINTS