The Screamers at the Lake

Tonight I decided to take a couple of hours consciously for myself.  I had a bath, read a free natural health magazine, and sat down to try to write, but found myself stalled with a case of serious writer’s block.  So much inside that needs to come out, but no way of putting something to it or seeing it.  I made the decision to try an activity that was recommended to me as potentially being very healing:  Write down all your positive affirmations and then burn them to set them free.  It shows you have faith in your affirmations because you can let them go.

Adding my own twist to this exercise I decided that they needed to be burned by a body of water and disposed of into it.  I live near a small lake in the city, but it’s about a 20 minute walk away.  As I was leaving my house I fought with the urge to go there, telling myself that it was too far and that I should go somewhere else – I couldn’t think of anywhere else, so off I went. On the way there my iPod Shuffle konked out again, leaving me with no blaring tunes to distract me on my walk, so I walked with my thoughts and the sounds of the city to accompany me.

I arrived at the lake and read through my affirmations, constructed in the style of "I am so happy and grateful now that…"  I repeated the ones that were most important to me off the two pages about 20 times each, quietly out loud.  As I repeated affirmations a couple of girls came down the path that I was on the side of, walked along the lake, and sat down about 400 meters away from me (you’ll have to convert that yourself if you use Imperial – I’m Canadian).  Once I had finished my affirmations out loud, about 10 minutes after the girls walked by, I took out my lighter, walked to the edge of the water, and set the sheets on fire.  It took about 2 minutes for them to burn, and it made me feel so free… incredibly free.  Incredibly strong.  I took out the end of a joint from my hoodie pocket, lit it, and decided to stay at the edge of the lake just until I finished it and then head home.  I had taken just a couple of tokes when from down the lake both girls suddenly let out loud, howling screams.

It never even occurred to me that they might’ve been in trouble – looking at it now I think that it was the unison of them, the length, and the sheer amount of power in them that immediately spoke to the understanding in me.  They clearly breathed in deep and bellowed from the bottom of their lungs, three times in total.  I took a toke, considered it for a moment or two, and then breathed in yoga-style deep and let out a scream of my own.  When I was done they cheered for me and I cheered back as they made "awooooooo" howling sounds.  I took another toke as I watched them start moving around the lake.  I hucked the last of the joint into the water, then turned and headed down the path towards the road.

When I reached the end of the path where the road starts I stopped to fiddle with my non-functioning iPod and waited for them to reach me.  When they did we spoke briefly and they reminded me of the somewhat hippie-ish girls I’d gone to youth leadership courses at the YMCA with years ago.  I thanked them for sharing their screams with me – the taller girl with long brown hair thanked me too, and then added "Sometimes when you’re really mad it feels really good to come to this tranquil, beautiful lake… and just scream at it."  I smiled and agreed.

I don’t know if anger was what my scream came from, but it was definitely a part of it.  It was just this intense something that needed to be let out and freed.  My chest felt like it had let go when I finished my scream, and it stayed that way the whole way home.  I felt angry, scared, hurt, but also confident and powerful at the same time, like something was being taken back.  It felt really good to let it go, whatever it was.  It was the right thing at the right time, and it felt so fucking good.

I feel a lot better after that walk.