At The Edge Of Depression

I can tell I’m bordering on depression when, while considering my options, suicide is briefly considered as an actual option.  Never seriously, never for long, and never with the intention of actually following through with it, but just idly as one of many things I could do with myself.  "What should I do to deal with this situation?  Hmm… well, I guess I could kill myself."  As quickly as it comes, it’s gone.  But the fact that it passed through at all serves as a warning for me that I’m not doing well.

I came home today after 2 weeks of waiting for my cheque for some promotions work I did to come in the mail – this is my rent money I’m waiting for.  I arrived home certain that it must have come through today – rent is due tomorrow, the cheque is late, and my rent has always come through on time.  But when I got home and asked my roommate expectantly if anything had come in the mail, I felt something inside me drop when she said "No."

On Saturday I went to pick up a CD of nude photos of myself that a photography student had taken in November.  3 months I waited for those photos – 3 fucking months!  I finally managed to get him to lock down a time to meet up with me to get the CD, and he picked Saturday morning at 11am – do you have any idea of how obscene that time is for me?  Who the fuck wakes up before noon on a weekend?  I went to pick them up, exhausted after 4 hours of sleep, got on the bus to get back home, and arrived at home to realize that the pocket I had put the CD into no longer held any such CD, meaning I must’ve lost it when I was nodding off on the bus.  So there is now a CD of nude photos of me on a public bus somewhere or in someone’s hands – unless it’s been stepped on and destroyed (which is where my hopes are).

Without getting into too many details, I’m also extremely hurt by some actions and beliefs my puppy lover recently displayed.  It’s one thing for him to not believe in the promotions work I’ve done, it’s another thing for him to not support me in that field, but it’s quite another to have him publicly post that any promoter or organizer should expect to get criticized for their work when they put themselves out there in the community.  He knows I promote and organize, he knows how much of my heart I put into it (and time, and energy, and effort…), and he knows I’m feeling ripped apart and personally attacked due to the way our community treats and criticizes my work and the work of people like me.  I haven’t felt this hurt by someone close to me in a really long time – probably because I didn’t make myself this vulnerable and open to anyone in a really long time, because of the walls of fortress-like strength I’d put up around my heart.  I lower my fortresses and look what happens – I’m left feeling like I’m a fucking idiot for allowing one person to get this close to me.

The job I was gunning for and had spent over 3 weeks interviewing for gave me a call on Monday afternoon to let me know they went with another candidate, when I was certain that I had the job.  I’d already started planning how I was going to arrange my life around it, and how my paychecks were going to be used for the first month or two.  I started crying when I got the message, even though I was at a restaurant with a friend (at least the friend was there for support).

On top of all of this, my roommate’s boyfriend is around for week #3 after she told me he’d only be here a week, and the cold and sore throat I’ve been battling since the beginning of the month still hasn’t gone away.

I know that what I need to do is to keep thinking positive.  I need to keep focusing on the good things, remain true to believing that the universe will provide, and do my best to put my energy into the good and the positive.  But it’s kinda hard when this is the past few days – not even a week!  I keep going to yoga and trying to just let things unfold as they should.  I believe that things happen the way they do for a reason and I have faith that things occur in our lives (or don’t occur) in order for us to grow, to become better people, and sometimes to challenge us with our own struggles.  But man, is it ever fucking hard sometimes…

On the plus side…

I’m getting my hair cut on Friday, and I’m getting my tattoo consultation the same day.  I only did one escort call all month, and that was with an old regular who I knew would be a good call and a positive way to end my involvement in the industry (a pretty ribbon on the whole package, so to speak).  I’m not even considering going back to the sex industry, I’m still planning to go visit my lover at school, and there are plenty of free lectures and events to attend around town while I do temp work to make a bit of cash.  My bills – hydro, phone, old pager – are paid and up-to-date (aside from my rent).  I haven’t smoked weed in 3 weeks; haven’t had a drink in almost 2; haven’t done any hard drugs since Christmas (this all adds up to me being totally sober for almost 2 weeks now).  I’ve been going to yoga anywhere from 3 to 5 times a week.  I’ve been going to interviews, getting contacts and connections, and have an updated sharp-looking resume that my brother helped me with.

I’m making progress, so why doesn’t it feel like it?