Facing Your Shit

Over the past 2 weeks I’ve somehow managed to piss off people in my life who I’m very close to and mean a lot to me – or had them piss me off.  I’ve made more apologies in the last 2 weeks than I did for the entire rest of the year.

I’ve been confronting a lot of really heavy questions that I’ve either had hurled at me, or have been hurled at me in the situations I’ve dealt with lately.  And what makes them so hard-hitting is that it’s friends and loved ones who are bringing this shit up for me, so it’s not like I can just brush it off and forget about it.

Among my personal shit to face:

• Am I racist?  If so, how do I exhibit this as behaviour?  What assumptions do I make about people based on their race or ethnicity?  Am I insensitive to how naturally oppressive I am as an upper lower class white female – even if it’s not as much as other people are?  In what ways do my assumptions and behaviour oppress others?
• Why am I still working in the sex trade?  If I’m in it for activist ideals, why am I not exhibiting activist behaviour?  It’s one thing to have a way of viewing the industry – it’s another thing to take active steps to support it.  Why am I holding back on the actions I’d like to take, and do I think the actions I’d like to take are worth the exposure they would garner?
• Do I take people who love me for granted, and if so, why?  In what ways do I walk all over my loved ones?  What do I prioritize above considering other people’s feelings, and why?  In what ways do I not show respect to people who show it to me?  In which ways do I not appreciate what those close to me mean to me?
• How do I sabatoge my own efforts to improve my life, and why?
• How do I disempower myself in everyday life?  When do I not stand up for myself, not say something, or not take a stand for something I believe in, just to take an easy route out?  How often do I agree with others, just because I have a way of spinning it in my head that makes it the easiest option for me – even if it’s not the best.
• How would I like to see my everyday life, and what actions will I take to get there?  Where do I want to be in the more distant future and what actions do I need to take or stop at this point in my life to get there?  How does my current reality of how I behave differ from my ideal?

I can’t wait for the fucking holidays to be over.  I’d like to get away early in the new year – take some time to think, like I did last year.  Last year I was able to get over some heavy stuff from my past just by deciding to, on a trip I took by myself to a more nature-filled setting within a couple of hours of the city.  I could use some time for introspection again, and not the kind where I sit online on MSN instead of actually doing some thinking.

I’ve got 2 pages left in the journal I’ve been writing in since the first week of August, since Pride weekend.  It seems fitting that I would be starting a new journal for a new year, since that’s really been an interesting chunk of time, and I’m ready to turn over a new leaf.