March To The Beat Of A Solo Drum

I’ve always been inclined to do things my way.  If I’m feeling unsure or open to suggestions I’ll listen to what other people have to say, or if it benefits me in the long run I’ve been known to listen and adjust unwillingly.  So why do I always forget that I do my best when I do things alone?

The best decisions I’ve ever made in my life were the ones I made on my own – the decision to try to move to New York at age 19; the decision to come back; the decision to go out to a fetish night; and any solo performance I’ve done has always been something I’ve stood behind and I’ve never toned myself down.  I’m always at my most powerful when I’m working on my own, not too involved with anyone else, and very centred in what I want to do without having to run it by anyone or suspend my worries about how I’ll affect others.  I don’t feel like I’ve really been doing that lately.

I feel like because I’ve opened up so much and given so much of myself, there’s remained very little for myself.  I recently listened to an audiobook my roommate bought and downloaded called "7 Spiritual Laws to Success" by Deepak Chopra.  The vast majority of what was presented in the book was concepts that I strongly resonate with me and that I can actively apply to my life.  One of the comments that he made at one point was a piece of advice regarding manifesting your goals – he said that it was better to keep them to yourself, and not talk about them with other people.  This is an interesting piece of advice, because the strongest and most powerful decisions I’ve made were ones I made without talking to anyone else.  Whether they were good or bad for me depends on your perspective, but from my own they have all been incredibly positive life-developing choices in the long run.

I just feel like lately I’ve been talking things over with people more often because I’ve felt more faith in them, but that talking to people as much as I have and considering their perspective has led me to become resentful.  I’m tired of feeling like the local queer community expects something from me, and as if I have to explain myself to one of my lovers – even though I know I don’t.  I’m feeling like I’m boxed in by being queer, by being the person I am.  I’m feeling limited by my city, my peers, my friends, my lovers, my life.

I’ll be finishing school soon.  By April, or maybe June.  Hopefully no later than August, and definitely by next December at the absolute latest.  I want to finish school this coming year, and then I want to do something else with my life for a while.  I don’t know when I’ll be finishing school and I don’t know what I want to do, but I know that I need a change.  I need a shift in my life, because this isn’t working for me anymore.

I’m afraid of the idea of giving up the local queer community but when I thought about it there was only really one reason why – I’m afraid of not getting laid enough.  But am I getting laid enough now?  No, not really. [as a sidenote: I don’t consider work "getting laid"]  It’s not like I’m finding new lovers as is, so maybe it’s time to look elsewhere.  I think I’m kinda done, emotionally, and I’ve already withdrawn.  I still care but there’s more to my life than this community, these ways of thinking, this life.

I need to march to the beat of my own drum again, because I’m too fucking good at it to give it up just to stay here, stuck and stagnant.