I Am Writing A Story

I am writing a story. I add a page with every day I live, and the story goes on and on, sometimes interesting, sometimes boring.

I do the things I do because life bores me. I realized this yesterday when I left the clinic with a few deep questions sitting in my mind from the nurse I saw.

Tangent: I freakin’ loved this nurse. Best healthcare professional I’ve ever seen – I have never had this much respect for a healthcare provider until now. She wasn’t afraid to put things to me bluntly (the best way I understand).

I got to thinking about why I do the things I do, the things that other people would consider destructive. It’s something that’s been on my mind and I’ve been searching for answers. Dealing with your shit is how you deal with addiction. There’s a lot of shit, but I know it’s my quest for adventure and excitement that drives me to do the things I do. I’m so bored that if I were to live the life that most people seem to enjoy (steady, secure job, family at home, watch tv for your favourite shows), I would be bored to TEARS every day. TEARS.

I need to have something else to my life, something different and exciting. Before I got into drugs and partying I always wanted to travel; I still want to travel. I have always loved travelling, going to new places. I tried moving to New York once, handled 2 weeks and went home. While my underestimates of my finances, and my overestimates of my travel buddy were the triggers to send me packing, I loved the atmosphere in the hostel we stayed at. I don’t know if it was even a good hostel or not, but it was so amazing to see all these people from different parts of the globe converging to this one spot.

What fascinates me about everything I do (sex work, school, promotions, etc) is the psychology behind it, and travel is no different. What was it that made all these people decide to come here? Here specifically? Why are you travelling at all? What is your culture like – how are you either a personification of it or a deviant from it, and why? How are we alike? How are we different? Do you feel that pull that I feel, the one I’ve heard some people talk about? Do you feel that force that brought us together, whether it’s for a number of days or just a few minutes?

The difference between endorphin rushes and connections is that some are healthier than others. It would be far more beneficial for me to take $5000 and travel to Cambodia, stay in a hostel, meet amazing people, see amazing things, and become more spiritually enlightened, than to take that same money and spend it on blow. On blow I still do crazy story-worthy things, I meet interesting people, and I make great connections, but it’s way less healthy for me. It’s also significantly more pandering to other people.

The nurse I saw yesterday was smart. She knew how to appeal to my anti-authority personality and my intelligence: “You clearly don’t listen to anyone for anything else, so why would you listen to these people asking you to drink or do drugs with them?” Valid point. “Wouldn’t it be more free, more liberating, and more fun to be able to take the money you spend on drugs and booze and travel to Europe?” Ouch – that point hurt…

We did the math – I’ve spent over $10,000 on booze and drugs in about 2 years.

I am writing a story, and I don’t want my story to be boring. There are enough stories out there where the same shit happens, and I want my story to be something to talk about, to think about, and to be proud of. I want to lie back on my deathbed with a smile on my face, thankful I’ve lived as much as I could have. But I don’t want to be dying until I have to.