Things I Need To Do But Haven’t

And my excuses why not.

1.  Quit smoking weed.

Or at least cut back.  Unfortunately right now weed is a coping mechanism for me, a state of mind that I haven’t left for more than a couple of days in months… possibly a couple of years.  I’m addicted and I know I’m addicted, but I’m not addicted in order to sit around and do nothing – I’m often a prime example of a functioning drug addict (when I haven’t been attacked within the last month or so…)  I get massively stoned and then function perfectly well, replying to emails, reading, getting housework done; I don’t have cable, so I can’t sit around and do nothing all day.  When there’s work to be done, I don’t smoke weed, and I pride myself on that.  I generally do not go to any kind of work function, whether it’s in an office or at a club, while high on weed.  I do go on calls stoned sometimes though – I follow my intuition in knowing which nights to smoke up and which nights not to.

2.  Quit using hard drugs.

I really enjoy getting high and then hanging out and talking to people.  I love getting really fucked up and partying, stumbling through the night.  I’ve had a 2 week break from stimulants, for the most part, and it’s been really positive.  I still want to be able to use periodically, and one of the reasons why I need to either quit or cut back right now is because it’s progressed to the point where it’s not fun anymore – I used to get high, and to enjoy the feeling of being high and fucked up.  I want it to be social again, and to be an experience.  I don’t like the feeling of dependence, and that includes my drug use – all of it, from weed to blow.  I was proud of myself for finally quitting cigarettes, and I quit blow for a period of my life before.  I know I can do this – it’s just a matter of motivation.

3.  Begin writing polished pieces.

I’d like to start putting my thoughts down on the computer or with pen and paper, and then polishing them until they’re works that I would feel comfortable showing to people.  I want to begin sharing my work on some sort of larger scale, but I don’t have the confidence to do so with my current work.  While I have a lot to write about I simply haven’t felt inspired enough by any one topic to feel the need to sit down, write it all out, and then go back and polish it.  I’m also seriously procrastinating on doing this, but I’m not sure why.

4.  Get back to promoting events.

Over the last month or two I let all of my promotions stuff go to shit.  I’ve shut down everything I had going, including my website and my business – I need to go to the bank to close my account still.  I cancelled a couple of events I was really passionate about, and I haven’t followed up on some ideas I’d had previously.  I know I still have the ability to promote events, but while the knowledge is there, the passion of hitting the bars and doing the one on one promotion is simply gone.  I just don’t have the energy to chat up and make small talk with people who hate me, or hate my exes, or hate my current lover(s), or hate one of my friends, or who have slept with one of the previous, or even those who are just ignorant fucks and that’s all there is to it.  I want to put together the shows – I just don’t have the energy to tell everyone about them the way I used to.  I feel disillusioned, pariahed, and outcast.  I don’t feel welcome, I don’t feel appreciated, and I don’t really feel connected.  The idea of putting together a show exhausts me – between booking performers, promoting at the bar, putting together material, and getting the word out to all the right sources… I just don’t have it in me…. but…. I still have the urge.

5.  Research the places I want to travel.

I need to find out how realistic each of my goal travel destinations is both budget-wise and safety-wise.  As an attractive queer white woman travelling alone, I’m guaranteed to be hassled.  Fuck, as a woman traveller I’m guaranteed to be hassled.  I need to find out where I can afford to go and where I am least likely to be killed.  I’m a lazy bastard.

6.  Research the fields I’m considering studying.

For tens of thousands of dollars, I’d like to know what I’m getting into if I choose to work towards my BA when I’m done my current certification.  I’m a lazy bastard.

7.  Get an accountant.

I have the name, phone number, and address of an accountant in a neighbouring suburb who will most likely be totally willing to help me out with my financial situation (namely, what the fuck to do about all my undeclared income).  He’s an hour or two away by transit and I just haven’t worked myself quite up to booking an appointment that I know will be a full-day thing for me.

8.  Call back the firm I worked for in June.

I worked a legit job as a marketing associate with a firm in June.  They’ve called me a few times since then to ask me to come back, because I was pretty fucking good at what I was doing – inviting execs to attend a tech seminar via phone.  I’m really good at manipulating people into doing stuff and buying things.  I’m no pro, and I probably couldn’t sell anything that I couldn’t wrap my head around believing was a benefit (and I’m too smart to fall for products that destroy the planet, etc), and I couldn’t sell things worth thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars unless I had some practice, but I’m pretty decent for my age and experience.  Anyways, they’ve been calling me, but I haven’t called back and I haven’t really shown much interest.  Although it would be a huge benefit for me to work there again for the month of September, for a wide variety of reasons, I really don’t want to.  I just hate the idea of working for anyone but myself, of not being able to make my own hours and work the days I choose, and of having to work as many hours as it takes there.  I’m just so completely prefer complete freedom, even though the job I’m being offered is incredibly liberal in its structure.  I worked there for 4 weeks, during which time I believe I was late twice and missed two days of work…. and they’ve still called me multiple times to ask me if I’d like to come back again.  I’m so incredibly resistant to the entire idea.

8.  Deal with what happened to me in July.

I don’t think I’ve really dealt with my feelings from a difficult experience I had in July, but I’m not sure what to do at this point.  I feel better because I had some time to stop doing everything and take a break, as well as physically get away for a vacation.  I still feel it in me though, and I know it’s there.  I should go see the support counsellor again but somehow I just haven’t gotten around to it.

9.  Read everything I’ve ever written.

I’ve been journalling since I was 9 years old, and I have every diary I’ve ever written in a cardboard rollerblades box that’s tucked into a corner of the closet in my bedroom.  I’ve had it on my mind a lot over the last few weeks, and it’s occurred to me that I need to go back through everything I’ve written and just… figure it out.  I’ve never really gone back and read my work.  I’ve skimmed it, read bits and pieces, and gone back to find specific things, but I’ve never actually sat down and read chunks of what I write.  It’s occurred to me that it may be easier to distance myself from it if it’s from when I was 9 and if I try to approach it with the eye of an outsider instead of as a critical analysis of myself. 

10.  Go to sleep.

It’s 8:29am.  I’m still up.  I have a friend over who’s crashing in my roommate’s bed, and she passed out just a while ago.  I’m a fucking insomniac – I do not have normal sleeping habits by any stretch of the imagination, and I never have.  I resisted bed times as a child, have always slept in late as far back as I’ve had to get up at a specific hour, and have a history of minimal sleep and ridiculously late (early?) passing out.  At the beginning of the summer I came up with the brilliant plan of getting myself some sleeping pills in order to knock myself out after doing a lot of stimulants or having a particularly bad episode of insomnia.  I got as far as "I’d like to get some sleeping pills for…" before the doctor at the clinic had pulled out his prescription pad and was writing me a prescription for non-addictive sleeping pills to start me off on.  These things were a fucking godsend through July, and I went back for a refill – most of which is currently still in the bottle.  I took one about 20 minutes ago and it should start kicking in pretty freaking soon.  Like a freight train.

BONUS:

11.  See my dad.

I’ve been wanting to see my dad since January, but I haven’t been able to (for a variety of reasons).  My dad lives in the US, not too far from where I’m at.  He travels quite a bit, sometimes to Europe, sometimes to other parts of the US.  I’ve been asking to see him since January, and he keeps saying it’ll happen, but it hasn’t.  It’s intensely frustrating that I want to see my dad because I’m so aware of how like him I am and I want to talk to him about it, but I can’t because he’s so unreliable – one of the key ways in which I’m like him.