Lost Identity

I feel like I don’t really know who I am anymore.  When there are no labels to attach, how do you know what to call yourself?  And if you don’t know what to call yourself, how do you know who you are?

I’m just me, which I think is a great thing, I really do.  But I’m beginning to feel a bit lost when I have no idea who I am anymore – when who I am depends on the situation, not on anything that’s 100% solid within me.  I know my boundaries and I know how to stand up for what I believe in or for myself, but my withdrawl from the mainstream has made me feel lost.  Without media, tight friends, a job or school, where do you find yourself?  I can’t seem to find the patience to read books, and find myself procrastinating on my non-profit work because I feel like my brain has simply given up on me and turned to mush.

I want to be everything, but where is the balance?  Where do I find myself in all the things I believe in?  I am hard working, efficient and responsible, with a knack for routine.  I’m a creative lazy type, who gets bored easily and likes taking on projects.  I’m professional and free-spiritedly sexual.  I like being quiet and staying in on Friday nights to spend time with the damn fine woman I’m seeing, but sometimes I have nights like last night, when I had at least 4 drinks, a couple rails of blow, and spent the evening walking around with either no shirt or no pants and flirting with 4 different women.  For godsakes, my music collection incorporates Britney Spears, Nine Inch Nails, and Ben Harper!

There are nights when I like to put on my makeup and do my hair so that I can hit the clubs with my low cut shirts and flirt my way through the night.  There are days when I walk down the Drive looking greasy in my sweats and ponytail.  Sometimes I want to get rich working for a massive corporation where I can take advantage of stock options and benefits.  Sometimes I want to disappear off the radar and never work another employed position again.

I’m not sure if I should keep with the escorting and domme work, go back to school full-time on a student loan, or keep looking for a full-time job in marketing.

I’m confused, to say the least.